Written by Mike Kreffel
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Sunday, 21 October 2007

image for Cruise & Travolta Lobby For Scientology Reading Rooms "Scientology? What the hell's scientology?"

Hollywood, California. Inspired to action by national events rippling through the Constitutional Advocate pool of advocates demanding separation of Church and State and their opposition advocating, well, the opposite, specifically all faith chapels in national and international air terminals, celebrity actor Tom Cruise and fading celebrity actor John Travolta have joined forces in a petition advocating Scientology Reading Rooms as well.

Followers of the late L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology belief, Cruise and Travolta stressed that Scientology deserves the same respect and recognition given other religious beliefs based upon best selling books of the month.

Both agreed to the following interview for this article:

Me: John, what benefit do you see in having Scientology Reading Rooms in U.S. air terminals?

John: Dianetics. I firmly believe that we all need to remove those negative thoughts of our reactive minds which hold us back in our film careers. I blame myself and my reactive mind for my slip in popularity and less than notable roles in some recent films which can be traced back to other reactive minds. We all have them.

Me: But not everyone is an actor nor has a film career-

John: But you should! It pays very handsomely, thank Ron, and sometimes you don't even have to act!

Me: Uh, yes. Tom, what-

Tom: Dianetics! Absolutely! Every morning! I wake up and I smile, thinking of how Dianetics has made me reborn. I keep smiling all day long!

Me: What I was going to ask is what benefit do you see from Scientology Reading Rooms in U.S. air terminals?

Tom: Well, it would be a nice place for Kat and me and little Suri to relax in when we stop between flights around the world. It really feels good to stop and catch a few pages of DUNE and-

Me: Wasn't DUNE written by Frank Herbert?

Tom: Huh?

John: I think he and Ron were friends, Tommy. They both wrote those Sci Fi Channel types of stories, but only Ron wrote Dianetics. I know you're out there Ron, watching over us. We won't let you down, praise Ron!

Tom: What's a Sci Fi Channel?

Me: Okay, fellows, moving on. What about financing? Obviously Federal law prohibits tax payer funds from being used for anything of a religious nature, so where do you expect the backing to come from for a concept of this magnitude?

Tom: Financing?

John: Tommy! For Ron's sake! The movie! Battlefield Earth Too!

Tom: Oh! Yeah, John and me, we have a new film in the works, actually it's more of a rough idea, kind of a sketch, really, but Irwin Allen and Tim Burton may be interested.

John: We're calling it "Battlefield Earth Too!"

Me: Didn't the first Battlefield Earth sort of, well, bomb?

John: No sir! That was before Dianetics! It was reactive minds. The focus was definitely off. If only I had submitted to the Zen of Ron beforehand. Forgive me, father!

Tom: Things are gonna be different this time around! John's gonna direct and I'm gonna be the lead character, a guy working on the docks, a common laborer who drives a new Mustang. Dakota's agreed to co-star as my girlfriend, and Kat's gonna play her mom, the mean future mother-in-law, and Suri's gonna be our daughter, she's already learning to scream like Dakota, then these aliens jump outta the ground, and we run, and then-

Me: Excuse me, but that sounds a lot like Spielberg's War Of The Worlds.

Tom: Nope! I read part of Ron's book War Of The Worlds and it's nothing like-

Me: H.G. Wells wrote The War Of The Worlds.

Tom: Who?

Me: So basically at present you don't have any actual backing for your Scientology Reading Rooms project?

John: Maybe we could canvas the Believers?

Tom: I remember now! H.G. Wells wrote Minority Report!

Me: Philip K. Dick.

Tom: Doesn't he make those funny screw drivers?

John: Tommy! Shhh! We gotta go!

Me: John, Tom, thank you for your time, and the interesting insight into your future plans. Good luck to both of you.

John: Thanks, by Ron we'll succeed! We've got Ron's bible to lead us-

Tom: Hey! Wait a minute! I thought Gideon wrote that one!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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