Written by Candice Hitler

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Sunday, 14 October 2007

For years people called me a 'tiny-tranny-perv-beast' and a 'rotten little Scot slipper' so I know what it's like to be on the end of an extra long, wordy insult.

But luckily nowadays original thought or opinion is carefully censored by 'govern-mentally challenged' Prime Minister, and fellow drunk cross dresser, wee Gordon Brown.

His new proto-language 'BlandSpeak' offers the following guidelines to wannabe radical thoughtsmiths:

Shrub-knockers, quinces and poncenbies are now to be addressed as 'gay' or 'gaylords' for better, less annoying, ones.

Fuckwits, plebs and dunce-trucks should be called 'intellectually challenged' or 'American' to avoid any social 'foot-in-mouth' disease.

Sea bathers, Mc-disposal units and lard-camels will hence be called 'weighty, large-boned' or again 'American'.

'Jonathon Ross's, Grocklerippers' and 'Jeremy Beadle's Tiny Handed Love Winnets' will no longer be everyday euphamisms for corkscrews.

Stair-avoiders, Ironsides, cyborgs, robo-cocks, 2 wheeled willys, legless alloys, human-bikes, lazy walkers and so on are now (and always have been) unnaceptable terms for a 'wheelchair user' or 'normal-motion-uncapable' person.

For more examples see:

'morally challenged' - George Bush

'ethnically undecided' - Mariah Carey

'talent incapable' - Nicholas Cage

'Of home-schooling descent' - Jade Goody

'Facially moribund' - Jimmy Hill

That's it for part one, I'm off to have strange and freaky 'love making' sessions dressed as a tiny scotch-soaked schoolboy with my 'excessivelly endowed' husband and co-presenter.

please feel free to write Part Two in the series.

Thanks for getting through it

Wee Jimmy Krankie

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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