10 October 2007
Alan Johnson MP
Secretary of State for Health
Department of Health
I have it on excellent sources that the cabinet you sit in is punctuated by left-wing, lentil-munching, weed-smoking hypocrites. Not only did they puff away with hauteur in their younger days, but now they are standing on their soap boxes telling everyone what they should or shouldn't put in their pipes to chill out at the end of the day.
My neighbour, Ted Old, believes that you too enjoyed a few cheeky joints during the days you used to deliver our post. He backs this up with the theory that anyone who is trying to run for Mayor of London has to be high on something. He was slumped deeply in his chair with several empty packets of assorted crisps and chocolates strewn around him after a particularly large cannabis-cigarette filled with Thailand's finest so he may have been wrong. But then again he was right about Tony Blair getting fired earlier this year in such a state, so who knows.
New government propaganda has us believe that smoking weed in this day and age will increase our chances of getting dementia and paranoid schizophrenia by 41%. What you have failed to tell the proletariat who pays your salary is that only 2% of people who are chronic twig smokers end up in the loony bin. So the heightened THC content of today's Swazi Gold and Moroccan Black still means that only 2.82% of people who enjoy a toke will actually go mad. Whether this is a signal among the noise is still very much debatable.
I have a different hypothesis. I believe that Britons are becoming more paranoid and demented because of Big Brother's watchful eye, widely cast over our once democratic land, spying on us wherever we go. Apparently, we are not even safe in our vehicles anymore. Karl Marx would be proud of such a sorry state of affairs.
But I have a plan. Why not regulate the trade of marijuana? In this way, the government could regulate how strong and how pure it is the cannabis being consumed is, at the same time as stopping the illicit sale of said drug. Furthermore - and herein lies the brilliance of this plan - the government can still meddle with our lives but this time in a good way.
Or alternatively you could ban alcohol, cigarettes and dihydrogen oxide. These three chemicals are the cause of untold misery around the world. The last has been known to have a correlation coefficient of 1.00 in drownings in Britain alone.
I have more ideas where these came from. Once the haze clears I'll be sure to let you know.
R S V Peters