Written by Matty J Rad
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Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Matty J Rad presents: A spoof of the American Revolutionary War: How it began.

Benjamin Franklin shouted at the top of his lungs, "May this Continental Congress come to order!"

Nobody heard him. "People! Benny is trying to talk!" shouted Thomas Jefferson, but people seemed only to grow louder.

"Gentlemen! The future of the colonies is at hand!" shouted Benjamin, and the chatter died away.

"It appears that Britain is enforcing ridiculous laws, and it seems that our only choice is -"

"REVOLUTION! Revolution! Yeah! Revolution! Down with Britain!" hollered John Adams.

"Johnny, are you seriously proposing that we go to war with the world's most powerful nation with inferior soldiers, resources, training, equipment, money, and weapons? All of which are normally provided by the country that we want to wage war against?"

"Absolutely!"

The rest of the Congress burst into laughter.

"That would explain why you ran out of our last meeting to run to the shore and flip off Britain (one thousand miles away)."

The Congress chuckled even more.

"Does anyone else propose Revolution?"

Crickets could be heard chirping in the distance.

"But I spent the past week writing up this whole Declaration of Independence!"

"Very nice Johnny, set it on the table behind you."

John Adams reluctantly obeyed, and took a dignified silence in his chair. Then George Washington stood up, being the tall man he is, towered over the politicians, stuck his chest out, and they all braced for something motivating and poetic. "Does everyone like this jacket? It's brand new. Straight from Britain it is. Although I dislike the buttons."

Murmurs of everyone's opinion circulated. "I think it loo-," began Thomas Jefferson, but was interrupted by Benjamin Franklin, "It's a very nice coat Washington. Shall we continue with the meeting?"

Before anyone could reply Mrs. Adams walked in. "Hello everyone! Oh look at you all being political! I was wondering if anyone wanted some sandwiches from the downtown bakery?"

The room erupted with hungry occupants. "Oh my! Well, let's see, let me get your names so I know how many to get."

Mrs. Adams picked up the Declaration on the back table. "This should do. Please write down your name if you're hungry!" and she waited patiently for it to go around.

Once everyone had signed the document, they continued to debate about how wonderful Britain was. Mrs. Adams walked out of the room to fetch lunch. Half an hour later she returned with an enormous bag of sandwiches, but without the Declaration. "Here we are! Benny, Hancock, Thomas, my little John John."

Jefferson began to thank Mrs. Adams for her trouble, but she wasn't paying attention. She passed out lunch and the politicians took a break. Once everyone finished their meal, Benny spoke up, "What happened to that document you were carrying, with our names?"

"Oh, it was labeled 'To the King of Great Britain (Royal Jackass), and the post office was on the way to the bakery, so I took the liberty of mailing it for you."
The room went quiet. Benjamin slowly turned to John Adams and asked, "What, exactly, did that document say?"

A slow smile spread across John's face… "Well, mostly that we think the King is a fool, and we secede from Britain, and wage war on them, and the King smells."

Once again, crickets could be heard chirping.

"Revolution?" Adams asked.

Quickly considering the trouble they were already in with the mother country, and the direct insults, and the seriousness of the document, Benjamin figured they probably couldn't do a lot to prevent war at this point. Benjamin looked directly at John and then to the Congress, and shouted "Revolution!" Everyone joined in. They, after all, wanted to save face from begging the King's forgiveness of such an insult.

"There is however! One problem! And I'm sorry to say it is a fate worse than death, but it must be done to stand any chance against Britain!"

Another silence followed.

"We must, I'm sorry to say, ally with the French…"
Gasps were heard throughout the room, but each man knew it had to be done.

And so our country fought the mother country and won. Our national anthem came from a hopeless defeat, the British fleet fled from the French fleet's cargos of stinky cheese, and Washington figured that shooting drunken German mercenaries was easier than shooting sober German mercenaries. And let us not forget that the French were so honored in fighting alongside us, that they created the Statue of Liberty. It was a glorious time indeed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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