Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Monday, 8 October 2007

(Los Angeles--CA) When she's not driving drunk, reading the Bible, calling Lindsay Lohan "fire crotch", being the lit match to the high explosive list of Britney Spears' addictions, Paris Hilton just might be throwing up. At least that's what her publicist, Elliot "The Leech" Mintz, would have us believe. Today, Hilton announced she was signing on to endorse "The Friday the 13th Diet".

Hilton said at an impromptu press conference on Wilshire Boulevard, after she plowed her newly purchased pink Prius into an H2, "It's not to keep food down when you're drunk. But drinking is so not hot, so how do you keep that extra ounce off? Well, it's easy if you're scared. Being scared, I think, is the new hot. You girls just need to remember to have the Altoids ready. But that's food so wait, forget that. No, but...I have a headache."

"The Leech" added, "If I may clarify for Paris, who thinks several steps ahead of us. She welcomes the opportunity to promote "The Friday the 13th Diet". Ever since Paris' almost major role in "House of Wax", she realized the power of horror to purge all of the negative energy that some foods can have by selectively choosing what will remain in her body. Paris was then directly asked if she was in fact bulimic. She was definitive. "No, I'm Episcopalian." "The Leech" further clarified. "Of course, as you can see, Paris is religious. By pointing that out, she means to say that, as her Bibles tells her, gluttony is a sin.

The notion of scaring food out of tweens for a "slimmer you", kicks off with a national radio campaign next week. But for those who can't wait until next week, the first spot is below.

Friday the 13th Diet Spot.

The Quoteable Hilton: "Now, "House of Wax" will enrich even more people's lives."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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