Written by Kent Pete
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Wednesday, 3 October 2007

image for "You will learn to love me" Grant tells Chelsea fans. Who's the Bastard in the Hat?

Avram Grant, seen here wearing a hat, last night pledged to bring a smile back to Stamford Bridge as he promised the moody Blues fans: " You will learn to love me ".

In an open letter to the Chelsea faithful and coming fresh from another lame 0-0 draw, this time with lowly neighbours Fulham, Grant told the fans:

OK I can understand why you wouldn't like me at the moment . For a start I am Jewish and I know how you feel about that. Most of you, it is fair to say, are rascist bigot's but that's fine with me. I think you'll find most Israeli's nowadays are to the right of President Bush politically. The only difference between us is that you hate Jews and Blacks and we hate the Palestinians. Surely we can find some common ground somewhere. Perhaps we could learn to hate the same group of people...The Irish perhaps.

And yes I will be observing the Sabbath on Saturday's which means I won't be able to attend most of our Premiership games but I will get a thorough feed back from my assistant Steve Clarke and I know you like him, he's the right colour and everything.

And people are saying that I am just a puppet manager and that the real boss at Chelsea football club is now my dear friend Roman Abramovich. Well I 'm sorry but this is just not true. It is true that he picks the team and he will be deciding who we buy in the January transfer window, but what the players do out on the pitch is down to me and down to me alone, unless he decides to make a substitution at half time, which I would have to respect. So please relax. Your team is in good hands. We can go from strength to strength at this club if we all stick together, which after Drogba, Essien, Ashley Cole and Lampard are sold I'm sure we all will.

And finally I would just like to thank my great friend Mr Terry, without whose support I don't think I'd be in this position today. The accusations that he was paid a vast amount of money to stick the knife into the ex manager are unfounded and his recent purchase of the Island of Malta is just mere coincidence.

But the fans must learn to trust me. I know what Chelsea needs and I understand the Chelsea fans. They want a manager that has some respect for their traditions and as a result I went to lay some flowers down at the foot of the late and great Kelly Dixon's grave yesterday. Well I didn't actually go in person, I sent a representative as I was celebrating Yom Kippur, but the gesture was there. I hope my letter to you all has alleviated any concerns you may have. This club is going places. We are about to embark on a new era at this club and we will be eating at the same table as the greats of European football. I want you to know that whatever is on the menu I shall dine with you all the way...as long as it's Kosher of course!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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