Written by Noshing Mink

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Friday, 21 September 2007

Mr. and Mrs Investor
Dinky Little Home
Some Housing Estate

Dear Mr. and Mrs Investor

As you know, the past week has been a turbulent one for the bank. I am writing to you to put your minds at ease about the future and encourage you to continue to save with us.

When I was appointed to my present post, my first thought was about my massive fat cat salary and all the benefits that come with the job. You know what I mean, the ridiculous Golden Hello, the huge salary, the colossal pension, the life insurance, medical insurance and PHI, the silly annual bonuses and, in the event that I should leave the job, the generous Golden Handshake. That was, not surprisingly, the focus of my attention.

I didn't see the big picture. By which I mean the small customers like you who feed their pennies into our colossal organisation like some little child tossing pebbles into the sea. I didn't consider the anguish you would feel if you lost your little deposits. I admit that I was near-sighted and selfish.

But I've changed.

I've realised that the world doesn't simply consist of glorious captains of industry like myself, pushing their country forward and conquering new financial markets. I've now seen that there are plodders as well, people like you both, who like to stand in queues and argue about a couple of hundred pounds here or a thousand pounds there. People who nit pick when they are short-changed by a few pence and who get upset when their meagre pension is lost.

I've realised that we need people like you, no matter how irritating you may be and how small and pointless your investments are. You are the backbone of our great company. Well, a tiny part of the backbone. And each one of you matters, in your own little way.

Therefore, I've decided not to draw the whole of my £1,000,000 Christmas bonus this year. Instead, I will give half to charity. It was not an easy task deciding which charity to give the half a million pounds to. I was tempted to give it as a bonus to all you investors. But I know that you are a proud people who will not accept crumbs from above. So I have decided to set up a new charity called The Hardup Executives Fallen into Financial Turmoil Trust (THEFFTT) and I am proud to announce that I will donate £500,000 of my bonus to them.

I am sure you will appreciate this selfless act of generosity and recognise the good cause to which this money will go. Each year, many executives retire or are sacked because they have committed embezzlement. What happens to these poor souls? I hear you ask. Why should they be tossed back into the heap of mediocrity where people like you dwell? Well, not any more. I plan to ensure that these people are given some small reward for their endless hours of work. I am sure you will agree with me.

Thank you for reading this missive and I look forward to not seeing you at the next Shareholders Meeting.

Yours sincerely

Chief Executive of Northern Rock Bank PLC
21 September 2007

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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