Written by Wildjesusfishkid
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Friday, 21 September 2007

The Saxons were the next colonisers of Britain, drifting west from Denmark. They came to Britain after the Romans had departed so they would be able to find parking spaces more easily. Their most renowned leader was Alfred.

Alfred was a learned man who knew a lot of things about loads of stuff. The famous story goes that when Alfred was pissed, he hid in the hut of some old bat who asked him to watch her buns. To cut a long story short, he didn't and the buggers burned. He was such a bad cook that his wife wouldn't even let him in the kitchen (a tradition kept to this day by many men who stay as far away from kitchens as possible). Occasionally, he was allowed in to wash up when there was no risk of him fouling things up. Sometimes, Alfred would beg his wife to let him in to the kitchen to make a sandwich but once he got in he would play with the blender and make a real mess of the work surfaces.

King Alfred united a fragmented country. He also allowed the Danish to settle in the country. The Danes brought with them a type of beer which they brewed in great quantities in large wooden barrels. It was a big hit at parties and the King's court described it as "probably the best in the known world", and it was soon available in cans. The Danish settlers were greatly pleased with all this praise but could not understand English, so they just waved and said "whatever".

Alfred became known as Alfred the Great by his subjects because of his great achievements in education and unification. After he died, he passed on a stable kingdom for his unworthy sons to rule. When his sons wore the crown, they had no idea of what name they should have. Athelstan couldn't be bothered but Ethelred was determined to choose an epithet that would eclipse his father's. The most educated men in the kingdom where called to Ethelred's court in order for them to draw up a list of possibilities. Ethelred wanted something that would strike fear in to the hearts of his enemies. "Man Mountain" was discounted as Ethelred was skinny and it was felt that Vikings would just giggle if they saw him. Ethelred wanted to be known as the "Oven Ready" to clear his father's bad reputation in the kitchen but everybody involved in the naming project said that that would be taking things too far and to come up with something more sensible or they would forget the whole thing and go back to being peasants. As peasants, they got weekends off.

Elthelred was not a strong King. Most well built twelve year olds could easily beat him at arm wrestling. During this period, many invasions were launched at Britain. When invaders arrived, Ethelred would hide behind a door or pretend to be a wattle and daub repair man and would tell the invaders that the King was out and wouldn't be back for ages. There is no point in them waiting as he didn't think the King would coming back here until Wednesday at the earliest. When he was asked where he got the crown, he would say that he picked it up at a boot fair. If the invaders were really persistent, he would point and shout out "Look, Normans" and run off when they weren't looking.

Edward the Confessor was living in France when the crown was passed to him. The King got a big kick out of confessing. It started with the confessional in church, but then it got out of control. He once confessed being a witch but he was rumbled when the local constabulary were unable to locate a cauldron. The cauldron has remained unfound to this day.

Some say that the cauldron was taken and buried on Glastonbury Tor. Many a Knight has taken the vow to dedicate their life to finding the holy grail. Not many Knights had even heard of a grail. What is a grail? We simply don't know, so they went with the cauldron idea instead.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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