Written by susan allen-rosario
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

There it was, hanging on the wall, oozing so much slaphappy sap, that it made a noxious puddle on the floor. "The Optimist Creed" it was called and I could hear it preaching at me, even from a distance. Once again some sicko had posted a "warm and fuzzy" on the bulletin board at work. It's message was clear, I needed to look at the sunny side of things, enjoy my health and good friends, and be a positive pep pusher to all I meet. I wanted them dead instead…

All of them…

All the people who put warm fuzzy poems on the wall just had to be killed. I would say, that we should burn them at the stake, but that would attract too many people with marshmallows. (Who can resist a good campfire?)

Every "warm and fuzzy" person I have ever met; had homicidal tendencies. Sure, they would like us to believe that the "warm and fuzzy" sentiments that they tack on the wall are a projection of their true "inner self". But, nothing could be further from the truth. Lies, I tell you, lies!
Deep down, they want to nail you to the bottom of their shoe and walk you all over.

Get real. Get it off the wall!

In fact, the next time you see a "warm and fuzzy" taped, stapled or glued somewhere, replace it with something like this… (My answer to "The Optimist Creed.")

"The Pessimists Manifesto"

Remember, peace of mind…
is something only dead people enjoy.

Appreciate the health you have today…
knowing full well, that most of what you eat, drink and breathe
is going to rot out your insides and kill you, eventually.

Look at all your friends and neighbors with
cautious doubt, fear and trepidation…
Most serial killers were someone's best friend and
were even good neighbors.
They can look and act pretty normal, like everybody else.
People never thought they were capable of true evil.

Only look at the sunny side…
of things at night, in the dark.
Looking at the sunny side of anything
will only burn up your eyes and make you blind.
Know that success…
is all about luck and being born to rich parents.

Keep making the same mistakes…
practice makes perfect, and eventually
you'll be a complete screw-up.

Only smile if you know for a fact…
that there is nothing stuck in your front teeth.

Be very sure that everything…
you forgot to worry about and prepare for
will happen to you and mess up your life.

I feel so much better…

susan allen-rosario

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

76 readers are online right now!

Go to top