Written by Wildjesusfishkid
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Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Not a great deal is known about pre Roman Britain. There are no written records for handy reference; all we have is archaeological evidence. All that we have left from those ancient days gone by, are earthworks, monuments and megaliths- or is it monoliths? We are tempted to fill in the historical gaps with myths and legends or both. As we know, the human imagination can run riot and can reach some fantastic conclusions. Without the existence of hard facts there is little chance of a consensus of opinion, so why not just forget the whole thing and take up a practical hobby like basket weaving.

Recorded history began when Julius Caesar landed in Britain around 55 BC. He would have come earlier but there was no place to stay due to the holiday rush. Julius remained only in the south east as the mainly Celtic northern tribes would giggle behind his back because only girls wear dresses.

After a few years, unable to tolerate British humour and satire, he returned to Rome and announced that there was little in Britain and it's inhabitants were uncivilised and bastards. He also said that most of them were quite handy after a few beers.

It was not until 43AD until the Romans tried their luck again under Claudius. Claudius had never wanted to be Emperor, but the hours good. The promise of a dagger up the Via Appia swayed it after careful consideration. So he took the purple although the laurels brought his scalp out in a rash.

Claudius was a shrewd man. He knew that the incessant British humour would demoralise his legions. He, himself had been target for ridicule in Rome due to his gait. Disaffected Centurions that would hang around the place would often make jokes about being limp. Many would snigger and say "I stand corrected" if Claudius wore his built up shoe. He realised that if these Britons were to be overcome, the Romans had to come up with some fresh material. Claudius new he had to needed biting satire to counter the Celt's most effective tactic of the mass mooning, which always got a big laugh.

Claudius and a team of writers worked on some revolutionary visual comedy throughout AD42 and finally took it to Britain a year later after only two dress rehearsals. He landed at Richborough in Kent and subdued the Cantii with "Have You Seen Caesar's Helmet?" playing to packed houses for six months until ticket sales dwindled with the advent of alternative Druidic comedians.

The Romans departed after a few centuries but they left Britain a legacy: The famous Roman straight road. The roads were always very straight and most of them led to London. This was a real pain if you wanted to go to another city or had been given a couple of tickets to a pop festival like Glastonbury. As a result, the Britons began to organise more local rock festivals such as Guildford, Leeds, Reading and Cambridge.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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