Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Wednesday, 12 September 2007

DISCLAIMER: The following article discusses frankly an aspect of human sexuality, those not wishing those to expose themselves to such things, members of the Christian right, Muslim extremists, Larry Craig and Ted Haggard, are advised to read no further for fear of going blind.

(New York-NY) I think it was either Sigmund Freud or Carrot Top who said, "I want to make people laugh so they'll think seriously about things." Before I go any further, I want to apologize to Woody Allen on that line, for switching his joke. But when I started writing these more personal articles, I promised myself to do just that. So…

….I finally got enough AMEX rewards points to snag that gratis 21 inch Dell computer monitor, which I immediately put to good use. Let me illustrate and elucidate.

I'm watching Sapphic Erotica, you know the clip where the old nun "comforts" the young nun? That one. And I'm thinking, "Wow, but they must do some heavy duty color correction to get those flesh tones. And the sound design! They really got that bottom EQ on each close-up tongue swoop."

And this, dear male readers, got me off, sure; but, more to the point, it got me wondering. And there's the rub…or rub out. (Yes, there will be more puns like that.) How am I able to process all of this and still…you know? And to share even more with you, I pose the question: "Am I …you knowing…with even more Old Faithful verve because of it? Can it be that porn teaches us how to multitask? Or is the lesson that through the physical we can attain the higher mind, a multi-level focus? Or am I just getting too old to concentrate when I masturbate?

What's that? You ask me, "Ed, what were you thinking about during that particularly effective PVC mother superior-novitiate fetish strap-on session?" Well, beside, "I don't like the purple strap-on, I prefer the one modeled after an actual schwantz. Does that make me gay?", I was thinking Sapphic Erotica is ranked eight thousand and change on Alexa.com. Wow, if I could swap traffic with them for Ed-E-torial, I bet I could sell some ads.

So this is my question to you male readers out there: Do you have these same thoughts while you're taking care of bid'nes? I really want to know. Because if you are, all of this productive thinking! If Einstein would have had Internet porn, he might just have come up with a unified theory of relativity.

And riddle me this, fellow spankers: Why does porn have to be constantly changing for us to keep coming (Yes, I had to use that one.) back? Let's be honest. After a few visits, doesn't even the most third eye popping new niche site get old until you stumble on the strap-on with the new angle? Maybe Internet porn is like the entrance of Buddhist temples, two of the same figures, except one is a demon and the other an angel, and it's only by going beyond those that Buddhists believe one can achieve enlightenment. Maybe with the right perception, Internet porn can elevate that guy taking matters in his own hand or hands if you're John Holmes, rest his pole, to enlightenment.

And this is why I believe that porn can be Zen. Hum, but I may have to "contemplate" this some more. That means one thing. I'll leave you to yourselves, as I'll be with myself.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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