Dateline: August 29th, 2007
Reporting from: None of your business!
Breaking News: wordwaymike
"field commission" reporter/janitor
U.S. News & World Retort.
"Where the news isn't "always" wrong! It just seems like it is!
In the form of deciphered "White House e-mails" that had been "double-dipped, and pussy-whipped encrypted" so completely, that no one, Ever, in a million friggin years would be able to break the code, were decoded this week.
Revealing that President Bush, and his closest aides, are members of an ancient, "crazier than a shit-house rat" secret society called the; "Illuminutty."
Laugh if you want! This reporter did.
Until I remembered that this was the name of that dark force cabal of maniacal power crazed cheesy weasels.
And nutty or not, these boys are rolling world-wide like west-side Crips in their 18 carat, gold plated, drop-top Cadillac.
Out for a night of "drive bying, and Bitch slapping."
But they're driving by the Constitution. And shooting it full of holes!
And that ain't no bitch these boys are slapping.
That's Lady Liberty!
Until this week, very little was known about the; "Illuminutty."
The origins of which were shrouded in the mists of time.
And the murkiness of long ago.
And the depths of the deepest oceans.
Where those with knowledge of this "secret society, with big mouths, were given a "concrete shoe" party.
As time went by, less and less was known. Until nothing at all was known.
Until now that is!
HOW THE STORY OF THE MILLENIUM "BROKE."
The White House's private in-house e-mails have been protected since shortly after President Bush stole the electio... I mean, won the election, by a six-hundred and sixty-six number, "level nine freaky shit" encrypted algorithm that was originally called; "the best."
But was nicknamed "the beast" due to a "typo" that added an "a" after the "e" in best.
It had long been considered to be impervious to the combined computing power of every super computer exist- ant.
This had been confirmed by every self proclaimed authority on vague and obtuse subjects that didn't know jack.
That is until Elmer Shizzit, a computer geek savant, intuitively incorporated the "core values" of the algorithm into his cheater codes extrapolation for playstation 3.
The actual encrypted "Illuminutty e-mails" were supplied by disgruntled White House, Jr. executive minions and gophers.
Who were unhappy at the ever decreasing opportunities to ramp up the hate, discontent and misery here in the US and around the world.
Due to the fact that everyone, everywhere was already ramped up to 100 percent.
So after a drunken "pity party" last month, two Jr. executive minions, and one mid-level gopher detoured a Dipsy-Dumpster filled with Illuminutty encrypted e-mails, that were bound for a jet-fuel soaked ending at some undisclosed location.
But instead, the Dippsy Dumpster, and the logging chain that was attached to it, and the Ford F-150 pick-up truck bumper that was attached to the other end of the chain, but no longer attached to the truck, were slung through the plate glass window of the ground floor offices of; "U.S. News and World Retorts."
When the kinetic energy build-up upon the sparsely bolted bumper, (caused by taking a right turn too fast) resulted in;
A FREAKIN' DIPPSY DUMPSTER OF DEATH BULLDOZING ITS WAY THROUGH THE PLATE GLASS WINDOW OF MY WORK PLACE!
And squishing the life out of the two reporters with seniority over me. (There is a God. And apparently he didn't care much for them either!)
Then a week ago, one of the reporter/janitors at U.S.N.&W.R.'s took some of the encrypted e-mails home by accident. (I was tired.)
His/(my) 12 year old son, Cronk, (short for Cronkite) a week earlier, had payed $20.00's for Elmer Shizzit's Play Station 3 cheater codes.
Then after burning onto a CD several of the strange numbered texts, he popped this CD into his Play Station 3.
Then he ran Mr. Shizzit's cheater codes.
Looking on in wonder as the numbers were transmuted into undeniable proof of that old maxim; Shit does run down hill.
And it is picking up speed!
WHAT THIS REPORTER HAS LEARNED SO FAR;
(Plus; A whole bunch of shit that I'm just guessin' at.)
That George W. Bush the second, is believed by the "Head-Honchos" of the Illuminutty, to be the reincarnated spirit of King George the 3rd.
Seeing as how this would be the "second coming" of the 3rd King George.
This would make President Bush, by this reporter's mathematical Kentucky wind-age guesstimate;
And I'll have you know that I studied "numbers" at the Jethro Bodine correspondence school of ciphers and aughts; to be;
"Mad King George squared!"
It gets worse. I have learned that George W. (squared) and all of the executive level minions that serve him, (including that hot looking ebony skinned Dragon Lady, who to this day is referred to by her fellow Illuminuttys as; "Rice cake", "The Illumihottie!" and "Conda-easy") are all graduates of the Illuminutty's secret society educational system.
Receiving their graduate and post-graduate training in the fields of; "New World Order-Maniacal Mayhem." at; "Torquemada University."
Every damn one of them majored inhumanities. (Not a typo!)
As their minor, they all took "Plausible deniability."
Torque U. as the alumni affectionately call it.
Where; "Men are men." And sheep are; "Dirty rotten lying little tramps."
Illuminutty e-mails that originated from White House computers, revealed comments e-mailed between two high ranking White House officials, shedding light on their shared studies at "Torque U.".
They were reminiscing with each other fondly about their college days, and "Rice cake."
At one point, they both agreed that the straining melody of the schools fighting anthem; "Recant! Recant! Or we will destroy you!" was quite moving.
Every time they rose to their feet to add their voices to those in the school's choir. They both agreed that their blood became as cold as the ice water it would be impossible for either one of them to attain in the "here-after."
They went on to reveal that the A Capella choir was made up of children that didn't so much; "fall through the cracks" of the "No child left behind" program, as much as they were "pushed" through them.
The ones with fine natural singing voices were then neutered, and have no trouble hitting the high notes found in Recant! Recant! Which was originally written to be sung in "castrato."
Even the Pope has said that the church hasn't had a choir like that since the 1920's.
The slither and hiss of this many headed beast is enough to give this reporter "Hydra-phobie."(sorry)
On an even odder and more useless note...
This reporter learned that this cabalistic crew was the inspiration for the rock band that became known as; "The Beastie Boys" Until now, this was a little known fact.
That can't be disproved no matter how hard you try.
But there are other even "littler known facts" as concerns these walking, talking, hissing viper venom hawking, leaders of the Free World.
Who, I discovered, had an over arching, under handed "final solution" for all of those that are unwilling to; "Get Jiggy with it."
"It" being the world wide bondage of all free men.
According to the debatable worth of the data I have so far deciphered, they are 119 people, world-wide,
away from their completion of that goal.
Once that phase of the Illuminutty's diabolically demented plan has been realized, they are apparently intent on leading us all in chains, right on out of the Free World.
Determined to take us back to the old time religion/world, a la Spanish Inquisition.
By way of an outlandishly long and tortuous Bataan style "march or die!" death walk.
This will also double as "orientation month" for us newbies.
Which is defined in their e-mails as being anyone who is still a babe in the; "you my slave" woods, that we are all soon to be lost in.
I have also learned that once they get us back to their secret hell-hole/hide out/home away from home, chill out crib, we will be taught the basics of our new tasks.
In a highly intensive crash course orientation referred to as; "You are now, and forever more, our slave!"
Usually referred to by the inner sanctum types of this "crazier than a shit house rat" cabal as; "Slave-101"
This crash course in subjugation and despair is where all of those things, that all who wear chains are going to be taught.
And only those that master these lessons quickly will not be hamstrung, or re-classified as; "Gator-bait."
First and for most of all the "Slave protocols" that all will be expected to master quickly is;
"Keep the pain racked moaning down to a dull roar after ten o'clock weekdays. And after eleven on the week ends."
Unless of course, your chains are the 18 carat gold, Mr. T sized, down payment on a Maserati style chains.
For this would mean you are one of the "slavers" and not one of the "slavees."
Unless of course, you happen to fall within that sub-set category of slave, that is defined as; "You my Love slave."
Where the power heir achy gets extremely murky. And at times, downright opaque.
But pay attention people!
If you find yourself in this all too real situation, uhhh, or so I have heard, it could very well necessitate that your actual owner, be chained down to something.
Usually the more demeaning the position that the "chainee/slaver" is forced to adopt by the "chainer/slave" (that's you) prior to the whole chaining thing, the larger your portion of imitation gruel will be, that is added to your dog bowl/slop bucket.
But this information is only to be used as the the operative cues for how to make good your escape from spending the rest of your life as a slave.
Or if escape appears to be too risky, how to make the whole "slave thing" somewhat tolerable.
Remember! Don't try this unless the he, or she, who has bought you at auction (now that would be a Kodak moment!)becomes "enslaved" by their desire for that sexy wretched thing that you have become. After being enslaved.
Once you have them "chained" and submitting to your demands. No matter how bizarre, or ridiculous they might be, you gotta work it like a job!
The freedom of millions could be riding on how convincingly you can shout out; "Who's your Daddy!"
That's all I can say about that, (At this particular moment.)
The legion of the damned, or a reasonable facsimile there of, have located my approximate position.
They are attempting to get a vector on me Victor! (sorry)
I have to go.
We stand in the breach of the wall of Liberty!
Defending her with the broken bourbon bottles of our restless nature.
So to speak.
This is wordwaymike.
Reporting for U.S. News and World Retort.
Part two of my Expose' of young college girls, doing "God knows what for a few dolla...
I meant; Part two of my searing and possibly true interpretation of a bunch of random numbers.
Which none the less, I am declaring to be the "Mother of all smoking guns."
Read my report next week;
"The Illuminutty has seized control of the White House. And they are also doing other crazier than a shit house rat kind of things too."
This is wordwaymike, signing off!