Written by Deanna Goodson
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Wednesday, 17 March 2004

The other night, I decided that the United States needs new election procedures. I am sick of the same-old, same-old stuff. Who needs debates? No one listens to the issues. Obviously.

I am tired of watching stale campaign commercials. I say the next President of the United States should win just like an American Idol. We need to have a reality tv show to make a president.

These people need cameras around them 24/7. That way we can get down to the 'real' issues such as:

  • Who does John Kerry's hair?
  • Do George and Laura have twin beds?
  • Do the Kerry's use Heinz ketchup?
  • Does Bushie have problems with alcohol if served at White House dinners?
  • Do the Bush twins have wild slumber parties?


These are the things Americans want to know about.

Also, I say do away with debates. Yes. Do away with those boring things that run incessantly on C-span and are watched less than infomercials for that dumb exercise machine that Christie Brinkley and Chuck Norris endorse.

Instead let's take our cue from Fox Television Network and have our presidential candidates box each other. They can even use mud. Now, that's my kind of mud-slinging. Sure beats a boring ad!!!

Instead of going to some stupid school or post office or place you never want to visit and don't know how to get to, vote for your president online or by telephone. Touchtone phones we know how to work and well, that will beat the hanging chad controversy of the last election.

I would rather text my YES to my cell phone than register to vote.

Who's with me? Let's reform the electoral process. Dial 1-866-VOTE-SUX for more information.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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