Written by Mr Luigi
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Tuesday, 21 August 2007

I remember the Christmas of 2010. It was the Christmas I tried to kill Santa Claus. Yes, I was a person of action back then. But what else was I supposed to do? I had to pay 206 Euros for a parking ticket and therefore was left with no money to celebrate the annual pre - Christmas Summer Holy Night on August 24th.

The middle of August was a very busy time of the year. Everyone was buying Christmas trees. People were painting snow flakes on their windows and put powdered sugar on their cars to give things the real winter look. The Santa Claus of the pre - Christmas Summer Holy Night was female. And yes, it did not come with a beard. It didn´t wear a coat either. And there were no boots, no gloves, no shirt, no pants - Just a red Bikini. They said this was because the Christmas Company had to cut costs. I knew they were lying and it was due to the high temperatures in August. Some of those people who must take the fun out of everything even stated it was just a measure of manipulative companies to make the men go Christmas shopping again.

Anyway, I had enough. I had enough of two Christmases per year and I wanted to kill Santa Claus, because someone had to be held responsible. As I started making plans I almost immediately ran into trouble. I mean think about it. There was the Santa Claus in Heidelberg, the Santa Claus in Berlin, all the Santa Clauses in Germany, probably thousands of Santa Clauses in Europe and a whole entire Santa Claus army around the world. There was no way I could afford all those bullets. There was no way for me to buy all those plane tickets and there was no way at all to get done in time. Yet there was a far bigger problem still. Even if I somehow managed to kill all the Santa Clauses in the world they would be immediately replaced by new people in new Santa Claus costumes. - I needed help! So I called a friend and told him about my problem.

My friend listened to me, he said things like „mhm, yeah, yeah, mhm". Finally, when I was done, there was a short period of silence and then he started to laugh. „It´s surprising how you are just not seeing it", he said. „Just get me a single grown up person with a brain who believes, who actually believes in Santa Claus and I´ll tell you how to kill him or her or both." There was a short period of silence again before I slowly, very slowly started to realize that someone had already done the job way before my time. „Merry Christmas" he said. „Merry Christmas" I replied.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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