How nifty is the new iphone?! It does everything. You can phone your friends, text message them, email them, chat with them; listen to your music, watch your movies, surf the web; use the built-in swiss army knife to open beers, and 8 or 9 later stab a friend; and otherwise pretend that technology is making your more rather than less social. All in that with a touch-sensitive screen in a little smooth glass case.
But here's a new upgrade I bet you didn't know you could purchase for your Iphone: apply enough lubricant, and it makes a first-rate stool loosening enema. With all the gut-wrenching suspense of waiting for the Iphone's release, we know you'll be in need of yours.
That's right. You'll be doing everything else with your Iphone. Now consider shoving it up your ass.