Written by Heewack
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Monday, 13 August 2007

Item: NASCAR officials are working with Fox to develop a prime-time comedy show.

Dick Glover, NASCAR vice president of broadcasting and new media, describes the show as featuring "a dysfunctional race team that is endearing, people that you really like but kind of have their quirks about them."

Glover said a pilot episode could air as early as January.

This sounds great! Is there an easier job than writing sitcom scripts? All it takes is one part creativity, one part writing ability and five parts stupidity…

(SCENE I: THE GARAGE AT LAST CHANCE MOTORSPORTS. "BUD," THE GRIZZLED CREW CHIEF, IS RUNNING HIS INEPT GROUP OF MISFITS THROUGH A PIT DRILL. THERE IS MUCH CONFUSION AS CANNED LAUGHTER DUBS OVER THE SCENE).

BUD: 23 seconds. That was just awful.

GOOSE (A TIRE CHANGER): We're doing our best, boss.

BUD: Best is not good enough! 23 seconds puts us a lap down at Bristol! And Scruffy, you tried to put a lug nut on Caleb's rear end!

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

SCRUFFY: Well, I think he enjoyed it.

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

(JUST THEN, "DELILAH," THE CREW'S ONLY FEMALE MEMBER, WALKS IN, WEARING ONLY PANTIES.)

DELILAH: Okay, which one of you bastards hid my racing suit again?

(UPROARIOUS CANNED LAUGHTER)


(SCENE II: THE CREW AT LAST CHANCE MOTORSPORTS IS AT LOEW'S MOTOR SPEEDWAY FOR A PRACTICE SESSION. THE TEAM'S PRECOCIOUS 16-YEAR-OLD DRIVER, BUCKY GORDON-JOHNSON, IS CLICKING OFF LAPS. BUD, THE GRIZZLED VETERAN CREW CHIEF, IS TALKING TO HIM OVER THE RADIO.)

BUD: How's it feel, Bucky?

BUCKY: It feels kind of tight going into turn 2. Or wait, maybe it's loose. What's the difference between "loose" and "tight" again?

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

BUD (GROANING): OhforGawdsake Bucky..."tight" is when your front end doesn't want to turn. "Loose" is when your back end doesn't want to turn.

MIKE (THE SPOTTER): Yeah Bucky, just remember that "loose" is like Betty the Receptionist when she's had eight beers.

(UPROARIOUS CANNED LAUGHTER)

BUCKY: (MAKING CHOKING NOISES) OMIGOD! I just snorted Pepsi out of my nose!

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

BUD: WHAT? Bucky, what did I tell you about having drinks in the car?

BUCKY: But I saw Tony Stewart taking a drink when he won a couple of weeks ago...

BUD: You ain't no Tony Stewart. Now you're coming into turn 2 again. If you're tight, then aim for the middle of the track instead of the apron.

BUCKY: Okay boss.

(SOUND OF TIRES SQUEALING, THEN THE CRUNCH OF METAL).

MIKE THE SPOTTER: He's in the wall again.

BUD: Bucky? You all right?

BUCKY: I guess I was loose after all...

(CANNED LAUGHTER)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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