Written by Shaun Ferguson
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Sunday, 12 August 2007

I am beside myself.

Today's Sunday's announce that Prince William and Kate are to be wed.

I know his happiness is the critical issue and I swear I wish him all the happiness that life can offer, but does he have absolutely no regard for the pain of my broken heart?

For year after year he has portrayed the image of a red-blooded bachelor, cavorting around London's club scene and oozing a mist of aphrodisiac testosterone, falling on everyone close enough to inhale.

I can't believe he would have allowed the press to publish his primeval mating rituals if he wasn't trying to spread his essence to those, like me, who would be intoxicated by it.

My own sexuality is a private thing that does not belong in these pages or elsewhere in the public arena, however I would be less than truthful if I did not admit that my feelings for William are very intense.

It may well be that when I submit my innocence it will be with a female and I have no predetermined agenda or plan. But William has shown me so very clearly that affection between two people is a magical sensation that just arises from the very being of two people, whoever and whatever they are. It is a spiritual reaction that cannot be accounted for or induced, but it happens as a right in itself, beyond our understanding and our control.

Since arriving in my teens I have developed some desires that were previously unknown to me and I cannot be blamed if William (as I like to call him) spread his ripe and alluring tentacles of passion and engulfed me like a trout in a fisherman's net.

Don't tell me he doesn't know I care. The many hundreds of letters and emails I sent must have demonstrated beyond doubt my very real and deep affection. Why otherwise would he have spoken out to me in his photographs and interviews?

Night after night my sleepy eyes gazed on his careless good looks and my being yearned for his presence.

Perhaps my letters should not have been so explicit? Some boys can be very dismissive of the curious paths that others may follow to ecstatic relief, but I am sure that if we had the opportunity to explore ourselves together, today's news would have been very different.

Maybe this is a warning to me not to set my sights on a pedestal I cannot reach up to. I will be man enough to bear my grief and go on to win another heart and live another day.

William, I want only the best of everything for you, achieve your goals and enjoy your life. For just one night of my company the history of England could have been very different, but now we will neither of us ever know.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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