Written by Ken Adrian
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Saturday, 6 March 2004

Okay, now Bill Gates has truly "gone where no one has gone before"... You see, after creating software that allows people to send us e-mail viruses (virii?), worms (personally I've always liked the "woims" pronunciation), and trojans (no relation to those fun condoms), he NOW wants to sell us postage.

Hel-lo? Did I miss something there? Let me work through the consumer logic on this one Billy-boy...

A) We buy your cr*ppy monoculture (yes, I stole that word) software.
B) We find out that your cr*ppy monoculture (love that word) software is full of holes.
C) Some of us (not me personally of course) spend our wee hours writing malicious code that abuses e-mail as a means to infect more computers.
D) Instead of fixing your software you want to sell us something else?

Okay, that's it. I give up.

Someone get be a freakin' sledgehammer for my computer.

For the record Mr. Gates, e-postage is about as intelligent an idea as e-feces.

Let's consider what will actually happen here for a second.

*Ahem*

1) We'll start buying your e-stamps for our cr*ppy e-mail software.
2) Some of us will find a way to FURTHER EXPLOIT THE HOLES IN THAT SOFTWARE (YOU FREAKING MORON) and write more malicious code.
3) We'll all be getting VIRAL E-POSTAGE but now we'll be paying for the privilege of infecting our computers.

That's similar to paying to get the clap instead of just picking it up from someone in the neighborhood.

Here's an idea. It's just an idea mind you... but let's give it a shot, okay? Here's a potential solution to the whole e-mail problem.

#1 Write better software.
#2 Encourage a software multiculture.
#3 Punish people who write malicious code severely.
#4 Rinse, repeat.

By doing this, we'll all be able to sleep a little more soundly at night, you know?

... and we won't have a nagging itch.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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