Recently, someone e-mailed me, with an offer to; "evaluate the state of my spiritual groove."
Going on to say that they would then do a complete over-haul of the areas of my groovy-ness that were determined to be deficient.
All of this very difficult, but necessary work performed for three easy payments of $69.99. Plus shipping and handling for any groove parts needed for the repairs that were not in stock, and had to be special ordered.
Before they could "get started" they needed me to write down and send to them my own personal assessment as to the general state of my "groove" at this time.
Below you will find my initial response.
To groove, or not to groove? What was the question?
My name is Mike. I'm from Oxnard, California.
My groove has one foot in the grave,
and the other foot my groove gave to science.
The rest of my groove was divided in to three "allegedly" equal portions that were then transported to the four corners of the ear..? Wait,,,.
O.k. I remember now! Three portions were sent to the three corners of the earth. It sounds weird I know, but hey! You're not looking at the same map that I am. I know that for I fact cause I just drew it (after running into the three portions, four corners conundrum.)
Anyway. I'm digressing from the amazing three simultaneous trips that most of my my groove was taking, while the remnants off my groove's totality which if you remember were not part of the whole equal portion thing were doing what they do best. Which is? Hell I don't know, Ask them.
I'm tired of digressing and I'm tired of typing out this groovifesto, as it were, or will be if I ever get them three equal portions reunited with both of my legs.
I mean, I was drunker than a barrel full of drunkies who were seeing flying monkys when I signed that "donate a leg to science" form that I found on the inside of a match book!
I mean sweet Jesus on a Honda! That won't hold up in court will it? I mean I was really attached to that there leg. Until I wasn't.
What's worse, I heard that one of those portions was due to be rendered down to make a tasty groove-stock, that you can make a really groovy gravy out of.
But why would they want to do that? How am I supposed to reconnect some groovy gravy thing to the other aspects of my groovyness?
I can't even get anybody to pick up the phone at either of the other "two out of three" corners of the world.
To be honest, I can't seem to find them again on my map.
It seems that when I was drawing the dang thing there was a crease in the paper. A REALLY BIG FRIGGIN CREASE!
O.K. Several really big creases.
Apparently my "map" is more akin to a grade school rendition of the folding of time and space.
What does that mean? Are one, two, or all three of my "three corners" crappy map delusion to be found only by visiting the delta quadrant, or by going back in time to when giant groove eating reptiles ruled the world?
How am I supposed to do that? I don't own a warp drive spaceship, or a time machine.
I can't be taking that much time off from work to go on some time traveling inter-dimensional, "I'm two thousand light years from home" gallivant. Groove or no Groove.
But Sweet Jesus at a jute joint! Please don't let em make a gravy out of my groove.
But, if they do...,
I want some!