Written by Matty J Rad

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Monday, 30 July 2007

1. Dispel all bad habits such as biting you fingernails, biting your toenails, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, smoking your breakfast, smoking salmon, talking to yourself, and talking to yourself in the third person.

2. Don't stare, especially with wide eyes, speechless, and with your mouth gaping open at people's physical limitations.

3. Don't talk about yourself too much. (Especially about how you ate three blocks of cheese yesterday and puked afterward.)

4. Smile a lot, but don't smile too much at your friend's girlfriend, particularly if your eyes aren't capable of blinking at the same time (hence winking at her). This can be perilous.

5. If you like listening to white noise as high as the stereo will play it, stop.

6. Remember to put the lid on top of your collection of poisonous spiders before you go to bed.

7. Have some variety in what you eat. A dozen jalapeƱos, an onion, a clove of garlic, sauerkraut, and a bottle of Tabasco should not be eaten three meals a day.

8. Use the bathroom. Relieving yourself anywhere else is unacceptable.

9. English is the best way to converse. And not everyone knows pig latin.

10. Wear your underwear on the inside your other clothes.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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