Here are the top four reasons why I hate my weatherman.
4. Fear-Based Weather
We've all seen how the news loves to make you squirm in order to keep you watching and it has become apparent that the weatherman is cashing in on that idea. He loves to tell you how you could drown in a flash flood or be swept up in a tornado if you change that channel. He gets joy from thinking of you sitting on your couch screaming at the television "What the fuck am I supposed to do when the sun gets so close to my house that everything around me starts melting!" This should be reason enough for somebody to run up to his house and punt a stray dog through his window.
3. Those terrible jokes
I can't stand it when he makes a little mind-numbing quip while the anchors are talking.
"Hey Suzy, what do you think the best thing about the day is?"
"I don't know Chuck. What is the best thing about the day?"
"A whole lot of weather!"
Everybody laughs like retards with ice cream.
What? How did that get any laughs? Honestly, people should just stare bullets into this guy until he gets the point. You are not funny!
2. He likes the most retarded things
"Hey guys, you might want to get out of the house early today so you can check out those wacky mimes down on central street."
Everyday he finds something mundane and totally uninteresting to tell you about.
"Get out there and support your local corn farmers. Golly, those guys just can't get enough corn, can they?"
I hate him and everything he stands for.
1. I'm pretty sure he plays with turds
I can't back this one up with cold hard facts but, I get the feeling that he loves feces. It must be that shit-eating smile he's always showing. I mean, I can see him in a bathtub just pouring bucketloads of shit over his head giggling like a teenage girl. I'm positive that if you get too close to him you are sure to smell the foul stench of a nearby lavatory.
Basically, he is a huge douche and I think I could do a better job. Here's a little sample of what I would do:
"And now to Cheggs with the weather, Cheggs."
"Well, today it's going to rain. Pretty much everywhere so take an umbrella."
"Okay, thanks Cheggs."
"Stuff it whore! I don't get paid to talk to you."