Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Wednesday, 25 July 2007

(London-England) Former Presidential stained intern Monica Lewinsky has received her Masters Degree from the London School of Economics. While some were skeptical the wide pelvis intern actually earned the degree from the prestigious institution, her doctoral mentor, Professor Rusty Trombone, dispelled any doubt when he released the following statement, "Her written dissertation was a little shaky. But when it came down to it, she just aced her orals." Monica, what can we say? Congratulations. And have a cigar.

(Denver Colorado) Former head of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggart, has resurfaced. The pastor was unusually talkative as well as hunched over after coming out of a local screening of Spartacus. Haggart proclaimed that while watching the movie he had a vision, actually several. And he now wants to help others overcome their homosexuality by starting a camp for wayward Christians. Haggart says that the only entrance requirements are being male and liking oysters.

(Norfolk-VA) Paris Hilton was on hand today to Christian a new Atomic Submarine, the USS Paris Hilton. When asked why this honor had been given the desktop wallpaper of countless 13 years olds and their Dads the country over, Secretary of the Navy Donald Winter said, "What better name for something that goes down on command?" Paging, Dr. Freud. Paging, Dr. Freud.

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