Al Gore claims that embattled U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was replaced with a clone by aliens. Gonzales, who at one time worked as a stage hand on American Idol, is said to love animals. Anna Nicole Smith was rumored to have compared his compassionate qualities to Barack Obama. The BBC's Big Brother reality TV show featured a set of breasts that in fact turned out to be die-cast models created by Alberto in his youth. Gore has been in close contact with Britney Spears who is now a spiritual advisor to the stars along the lines of Shirley McClain. Sigourney Weaver was reportedly upset by the chubby guy's remarks.
The Bush Administration refused to comment on the alleged alien charge fearing back-lash that the aliens were illegal and they hadn't finished the fence in California. "It might turn into a border security fiasco," an insider said. The Catholic Church was investigating the popular Celebrity Big Brother which also airs on Channel 4 in Chelsea, Michigan. Reverend China O'Hara, a Christian spokesman said their faith had also been investigating the show since Christmas because of possible immigration violations.
The CIA is denying that Alberto was under deep cover and Congress is expected to conduct a special inquiry. "The corrupt bastards and their little club won't get away with this," said Congressman Cricket. In a bold move of solidarity, David Beckham came forward claiming he had also been abducted and subjected to an anal probe when he was very young. The Democrats are responding to Al Gores claims by wrapping up their investigation into Lady Diana's nude pictures from college and concentrating their efforts on his credibility. Dick Cheney will be providing oversight to both houses as new developments arise.
"That's the kind of man you need riding shotgun," said an unemployed Don Imus obviously still on heavy drugs. In England, a group of Thames University students have refused to eat any food until the accusations could be authenticated. The one time legendary and now infamous football All-American O.J. Simpson joined them to show his support. "Although I think the football over here, what we call soccer, is kind of gay, I still want to know the truth. Nobody could prove a thing. Maybe a clone of mine did it, and if he did do it…" Johnny Cochran said he wouldn't be surprised if they did take him, "I taught him everything he knows."
George W. Bush had just finished watching Gore's slapstick comedy, An Inconvenient Truth when Presidential Librarian Gordon Brown brought in the latest copy of Harry Potter. The Texan was so ecstatic he forgot all about the crisis at hand. Rear Admiral K.P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General came out from behind our fearless leader and reminded him to take care of his health. Heather Mills and Hillary Clinton, who were found naked in the back of an old VW minivan on Hollywood and Vine, had this to say;
"Between Gore's nonsense about the internet, his constant verbal attacks on Iraq and the Iraq war, Jade Goody is more believable than he is, and I don't even know who the hell that is! I mean, Jesus, what's his problem. So he lost the election, big deal." Senator John McCain, still nursing enflamed hemorrhoids, said he wasn't quite done with Karl Rove. "Once I nail him good, and Kate Middleton for good measure, I'll go see what this alien abduction crap is all about."
Lindsay Lohan was unavailable for comment do to yet another DUI arrest but her publicist released a statement claiming she wasn't worried. "I'm confident the money that will be raised by the concert in London by Madonna will get her a nice room at the Mayo clinic once she's released." The material girl herself could not speak to this reporter due to some bizarre ritual she had to perform behind closed doors with the entire Manchester United team.
Before Albert Gonzales had the sex reorientation operation there had been a brief and bitter marriage to Michael Jackson. The gloved wonder said, "We both loved money but he loved movies and music more so we went our separate ways. I didn't want to stand in the way of his dream of becoming a stage hand."
NASA has refused to speculate on cosmic disturbances that occurred on the night in question other that to say that the same type of phenomena had occurred during the Nazi regime which provoked the cancellation of the 1972 Olympics in Munich. Osama Bin Laden released a tape claiming they had nothing to do with the strange abduction but he did admit it would make it easier for terrorists to sneak into the country. A stunned Paris Hilton said, "Al who? Global what? Oh, that's hot. I'm hot, you're hot, we're hot, and prison was damn hot too."
Paul McCartney agreed with her comments. He was sentenced to helping install the revolving door that he keeps going in an out of with his marijuana convictions. "I still don't think it was aliens man, I think it was the bloody keystone coppers, you know, the police." The Police of course had nothing to do with it. They were still on tour doing their, 'We're So Old We Fart Dust Tour.' The politics of it all has Vatican City up in arms. The Pope was seen carrying the new Navy Seals semi-automatic twelve gauge shotgun. "You can never be too careful," he said.
The Presidential motorcade took a slight detour for the Hooters Wet T-Shirt Contest on their to way to D.C. after having picked up the big-eared Prince Charles, Prince Harry and Prince William. The Secret Service believes the man with the permanent Mickey Mouse hat on should be able to capture radio signals you couldn't get with the largest of satellite arrays. Queen Elizabeth II was left behind because she would only get in the way, this is man's stuff. The Reverend Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton claimed that racism and religious persecution was what must have led to the kidnapping and the Republicans were probably behind it all. "The left-wing, right-wing and rear-tail Republicans are always looking for a way to undermine immigration reform," said Ron Paul just for the hell of it. Rosie O'Donnell was about to put her two cents in but was removed by palace guards reserved for royalty.
In a shocking voice recording of Saddam Hussein during his last days in prison he is heard telling his bunk-buddy beware of Alberto Gonzales. The Natural Museum of Science has bought the tape and has it on display in New York. The recording is played in a continuous loop and is said to inspire camels to have sex. "It's like being in a trance," said Shilpa Shetty. "I've never had sex with a camel, which I can recall, but that doesn't mean there couldn't be a space for it in my life." The entire saga reeks of a new form of terrorism. The President says he has credible intel that the terrorists plan to set up shop in Texas, "Probably Corpuscle Chrissy or someplace like that. We know they have nucular weapons of mass distruction."
This has been Johnny Ovaltine reporting for The Spoof. Please be on the look out for my follow up stories on, 'Vertically Challenged; The Tom Cruise Story,' 'The Tony Blair Sandwich Project,' 'Jessica and Nicole Simpson; The Vagina War,' and 'The War on Terror in Washington Leads to the White House, an expose'." This story contains every single popular tag that I found in order from The Spoof at the time of writing it. Rock On, Tricky Ricky!!!