A queue formed last night at the BBC, ITV, C4 and SKY's boardroom doors, of producers waiting to confess to having run bent phone in competitions, and in fact any contact that TV and radio has ever had with the outside world by telephone turns out to be false.
A few confessions can now be revealed:
Gardener's Question Time admitted that none of the questions answered over the last 50 years had actually come from the general public. It turns out that they were all from members of the crew and their family, who all had large gardens. Live programmes done at Church halls and garden centres were all closed sets, with carefully selected audiences and planted question askers, again from the crew's family.
Those annoying people who call QVC to say that they've already bought the product being sold, and how good it is, were divulged as all being from the family of Barry Diller, chairman of QVC.
Those utterly stupid people who call up Radio 2 and say,
"Will you wish Barry a happy birthday?"
"Where is Barry now?"
"Oh, he's sat next to me"
None of those annoying people are actually members of the general public. turns out they're all in-patients at Broadmoor, which is why they don't get out much.
Winners of the "Golden Shot" TV program of the 1970s where a crossbow was guided to the target by a phone-in contestant, "Up a bit, down a bit, fire!" were all found to be the same person, a Mrs Gladys Thebolt, mother of the crossbow loader, Bernie. Bob Monkhouse was not available for comment, as his phone has now been disconnected, due to death.
The BBC "Goal of the Month" phone-in competition has been permanently taken off air as the producer's family no longer have the time to use all the tickets to Premiership games that they've won. Tickets will now be sold on ebay, as usual.
Those of us who have been saying for years that the whole thing is bent as a nine-bob note, can now feel extremely smug.