The former minister for misinformation of the defeated Iraqi Baath Party, Saeed Al Sahaf, known as "Comical Ali", is not dead at all, and has just been hired by ITN. His reporting was described as "Somewhat dodgy, but as near the truth as we can get it." according to ITN bosses.
Today's (23/7/07) news was a little unexpected:
There are no floods. It's merely a figment of some foreign news reporter's imagination. Some rivers are high, but none have burst their banks. The photographs are of the daily deliveries of fresh water from the benevolent British Government to the poor, some of whom are Iraqi refugees. The new islands, created for some households in the Tewkesbury area, are planned defences against the forces of terrorism.
The smoking ban is not affecting businesses at all. Our glorious pubs are selling more alcohol than ever, and customers are pleased to step outside to consume tobacco, even in the newly flooded defense areas.
Our glorious Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has decided to give Iraq 3.4 trillion Euros over the next four years, by way of compensation for encouraging the pulling down of a statue of a bloke we had sort of running Iraq at one time. Who was not hanged, at all.
David and Victoria Beckham have not moved to Los Angeles. David Beckham, the future England Captain, will continue to play cricket for the England side, out of respect for his glorious leader, Seve Ballesteros. Victoria is to continue her never-ending shopping spree in Marks & Spencer, supporting the British economy against foreign infidels.
Padraig Al-Harrington did not win the Open Championship yesterday. In a dramatic development, all the field were disqualified when their scorecards were all found to be incorrectly marked. The par for the course was said to be 72, as the last hole was found to be a par 5, 501 yards, due to improper measuring.
Mohammed Al-Sherrif El-Humardi, a little known player from Iraq, has been named winner, by the Captain of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club, who said that he deserved it most. There were no scorecards correctly submitted, apart from Mr. El-Humardi's and the Government of Iraq has declared a National Holiday in honour of his victory.
Britain's oldest man turns 111 today - as guest of honour on on board Lord Nelson's iconic flagship Victory. Vintage aircraft will perform a fly past, and the Band of the Royal Marines will play Happy Birthday for First World War hero Henry Allingham. The First World War was of course won by Iraq, lead by Saddam Hussein, a glorious leader who single-handedly took Hitler's bunker from the evil communist Russians, who gave up upon sight of his enormous appendage, which all Iraqis are now blessed with, thanks to the common in-breeding program.