Researchers at the University of Chicago have been doing a study to determine the best form of animal locomotion. The study resulted in an astounding breakthrough: Walking backward is not only the healthiest way but, also the most stimulating for the mind. I met with one of the leaders of the research group, Professor Richard Cockburn, to see if I could find out what was behind the study and why it took so long to come to this conclusion.
C: Good morning Professor Cockburn.
Prof. Cockburn: Please, call me Dick.
C: Okay, Dick, I'd like to start out with how you performed the study.
Dick: Well, we took a group of young men and women and we asked them to walk backward for a day and then come back and tell us how they felt about it afterward. It was really simple.
C: I see, and they were obviously happy with what they felt.
Dick: Oh, heavens no! They came in and demanded we pay them for walking into things all day. They seemed pretty angry with us.
C: So, clearly, walking backwards is not the way to go.
Dick: That's not what our report says. Walking backward is the only way to walk and anybody that disagrees is retarded.
C: But, you just said that your subjects did not enjoy it.
Dick: You fool! They must have been on drugs or something. Have you ever walked backward?
C: Yes but, only for a little while. Never more than a couple seconds.
Dick: Then of course you wouldn't understand. All of those years of walking forward have warped you mind in to a soft stupid jelly.
C: Professor, could we please keep this professional?
Dick: Fuck you! I don't have to sit here and be talked down to by a legally retarded forward-walker! This interview is over.
And, with that Professor Richard Cockburn stomped backwards out of the room and tripped over a chair. He quickly stood back up and continued walking backward.