HOLLYWOOD (Glendale) -- No, it's not the aliens, but the Sheriff's Department itself that has launched an Internal Probe into Paris Hilton. Will it hurt? Who knows. The aliens usually return you unharmed, if with a little loss of dignity. I know that's what they did to me.
However, in Paris's case, claims have been made that she received special treatment. We know that she designed and had an inmate make a pair of jeans that she wore on her fashion parade release. But there have also been claims that:
- She was given a pink cordless phone, as opposed to a blue one, and also not having to wait and use a pay phone.
Not true. Didn't Paris draw a sketch of herself at the payphone. Yeah, she did, and sent it to a celeb sniffer as a bribe to stop him pissing on her. TMZ.com or something.
- She got a new jail uniform, rather than having to wear a recycled drug dealer with AIDS uniform that everyone else gets.
Not so. Rats lived in her orange jump suite before Paris.
- Her mail was delivered by Captain Terrific, whereas it would usually be delivered by an insane lesbo multiple women murderer who looks like Charlize Theron.
False. Everyone knows that Captain Terrific was on holidays.
- She was released from jail after spending only three days there, the cause being attributed to medical reasons.
True. Paris is claustrophobic except when in a coffin like tanning bed at the beauty parlor.
So, let Paris go! -- God made her a missionary...