Written by Quorum of One
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Sunday, 1 July 2007

Forget about astrology, biorhythms, tarot cards, palm reading, crystal-gazing, tea-leaf reading, feng shui, phrenology, the US Meteorological Service and examining the entrails of a freshly-killed goose.

Numerology is the only reliable way to predict the future.

The power of numbers has been recognized since the dawn of civilization as being the divine force governing every aspect of our lives. Over countless millennia, the deepest esoteric secrets for interpreting the arcane symbolism of numbers have been handed down from wisemen, seers, oracles, wizards, alchemists, masters of the occult sciences, gurus, hermits and ascetic reclusive mystics under a vow of silence... to ME!

In this article I will explain how to determine what number governs your life and how it dictates every aspect of your existence, past, present and future. But first, let's get started with an explanation of the inescapable, ineluctable, undeniable symbolic significance of each number.

- 1 is a very powerful number.
It is the number of unity, signifying the universe, the Godhead, the infinite, the primal enchilada, and the utter, unique, all-encompassing whole oneness of it all. It is the number of times we go around, opportunity knocks and that asshole at the end of the bar is going to tell you. It is evoked in the beginning of virtually all fairy tales, "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe and, most importantly, the 1966 hit song "Wooly Bully" by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs. Note that songs are also sometimes called numbers. Woah.

- 2 is an extremely strong number.
It is the number of duality, signifying bipolarity, bipartiteness, symmetry, ambiguity and "going halvsies". 2 is a number that is deeply rooted in our collective subconscious. It is the number of the Earth's poles, the wheels on a bicycle, the ends of a stick, possible belly-button shapes and potential answers in a True/False quiz. It is the number of our eyes, ears, jaws, nostrils, lips, upper canine teeth, arms, legs, kidneys, big toenails and the number of fingers one might be asked to pick.

Most importantly, it is (get this:) 1 + 1. Never thought of that, did you? Hah!

- 3 is an exceedingly forceful number.
The number 3 can be found virtually anywhere you look. It is the number of the trinity, the triangle, the trident, tricycle, tripod, trilateral commission, tricorn hat, tripe, trick knee, branches of our government, blind mice, men in a tub, strikes and you're out, hots and a cot, and stooges. How many astronauts were on the first Apollo mission to the moon? You think it's a coincidence? Well, actually so do I, but...

Most importantly, 3 is 1 + 2. Hmmmmmm.

- 4 is an incredibly mighty number.
It symbolizes four-foldness, quadripartiteness and the number of corners in a perfect square. Or even not so perfect -- who cares? The number 4 is all around you, if only you would pay attention. There are 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Musketeers, Wise Men, Seasons, Freshmen, Tops, Beatles, Little Pigs, and mistakes in this list.

Most importantly, it is 2+2. Or 1+3. Or 1+1+2. Or the number of possible combinations of the 3 previous numbers that equal 4. Ooooooh.

- 5 is a robust, stout, sturdy, stalwart number.
It symbolizes the very essence of fiveness. In a way. Sort of. If you know what I mean. It is the number of our senses, our digits per limb, the number of points in a 5-pointed star, the number of cards dealt in 5-card stud, the number of Jacksons in the Osmond Family, the number of years in a 5-year plan and the number of 5s on the dice in Yahtzee.

Most importantly, it is the number that comes after 4.

- 6 is a brawny, resilient, assertive, fearless, ruthless, type A kind of number.
It is the number of beers in a six-pack, bullets in a six-shooter, and white horses she'll be drivin' when she comes. Many people, when they hear the word "six", immediately think of "sex". On the other hand, most of those same people also immediately think of sex when they hear the words "harbinger", "plinth" and "Cranshaw melon", so this is not all that remarkable.

Most importantly, it is 6.

- 7 is a feisty, pugnacious, in-your-face number.
It is the number of seas, deadly sins, colors of the rainbow, wonders of the ancient world, -year itch, samurai, brides and brothers, days in May and, of course, dwarves. Many people think that 7 is a lucky number. This is an imbecilic superstition with no basis whatsoever in fact. Anyone naive enough to believe an old wives' tale like that should be trussed up in a weighted gunny sack and dropped off the nearest bridge. Lucky my ass. It's just a damn number, fer chrissake. Sheesh.

Most importantly, it isn't 6.

- 8 is a tough, hard-as-nails number that likes to get drunk and beat other numbers into a bloody, whimpering, toothless pulp.
It is the number of Santa's reindeer, cylinders in a V-8 engine, the time of dinner in swanky restaurants, the number of times you cannot fold any piece of paper in half, the number of ingredients besides water and sugar in the secret formula for Coca Cola, and the most frequent digit in 388 948 581 882 8988 468 3828 88 8, which is the key for decrypting the classified code that enables any semi-literate computer hacker with a $10 modem to unleash the United States military's entire nuclear arsenal and destroy the whole world in... oh, about 8 seconds.

Most importantly, it is 6.

- 10 is one heckuva potent number.
So is 9, but I skipped 9 on purpose because its phenomenal supernatural power is such that any mortal who dares gaze upon it is instantly turned to stone. 10 is the total number of our fingers or toes. Or fingers AND toes, if you happen to be a particularly careless employee of Bob's Barefoot Bandsaw and Laser Weaponry Shop. 10 is the number of perfection in the Olympic Games and singles' bars. It is the number of commandments, amendments in the Bill of Rights, pins, and possible choices for picking a number at random from 1 to 10. From it we get the words "tenor", "tennis", "tendon", "tentative", "tenacious", "tenderfoot", "tentacle", "tenterhooks", "tent show revival" and "Tennessee hissy fit".

Most importantly, it is 1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1, give or take a few, plus any number of zeros. But all that is of no consequence whatsoever, because according to the rules I'm about to give for determining your own personal number, you can't possibly turn out to be a 10 anyway.


HOW TO DETERMINE YOUR OWN PERSONAL NUMBER

Pick a number at random from 1 to 9.
Take the number of letters in your first, middle and last names.
Multiply these 2 numbers and add them to the sum of the numbers in your birthdate.
Extract the square root and add the result to your social security number, telephone number (with area code), the numbers of any bank accounts you have, all your credit card PIN codes, the number of children you have, your net income for the previous fiscal year rounded to the nearest 10 cents, and the number of times you've said "Okey-dokey" in the past 48 weeks.
Take this number and add all the digits together.
Then add all the digits of the resulting number, and add all the digits again, and so on until you reach a 1-digit number.
Multiply this number by 9.
Add the digits of that number together.
Now subtract 6.
Now add 6.
Now subtract 6.
Now add 6.
Now subtract 6.
Now add 6.
Now subtract 6.
Now add 6.
Now subtract 6.
Now add 6.
Now subtract 6.
Now add 6.
Now subtract 6.
Now add 6.
Now subtract 6.
Write this number in your own bile on a piece of unlined white paper and fold it in half 8 times.
Tie up the folded paper in a blue-green ribbon and bury it under an elm tree by the light of a full moon.
After you bury it, stand by the side of the nearest road and wait for a vehicle to pass.
Note the first number of its license plate.
Then forget it.
Pick another number at random from 1 to 9.
That number is your personal number.

WHAT YOUR PERSONAL NUMBER MEANS

- If your personal number is 1
You are shy, outgoing, headstrong, suggestible, courageous, retiring, indecisive, fanatical, adaptable, inflexible, or at least some of those things. You like sex, but possibly only under certain conditions. You enjoy food when it is prepared just to your liking. You sometimes wonder what will happen to you in the future, whereas at other times you look back with either satisfaction or regret on things that have happened to you in the past.
You are most compatible with: 3s, 5s, 8s and 9s.

- If your personal number is 2
You like being happy. You are often in a good mood at about 6:00 pm on Fridays. You find it difficult to stay awake for more than 36 hours. Sometimes you find yourself thinking it's Tuesday when it's actually Wednesday.
You are most compatible with: 3s, 6s and 8s. Unless of course you're some kind of royal pain in the ass.

- If your personal number is 3
Oxygen is very important to you. You are between 0 and 140 years old. Exactly one-half of your ancestors are women. You should feel special: only about 11% of the population shares your personal number.
You are totally compatible with:
Other 3s, plus 4s, 5s, 6s, 7s, 8s, 9s, 1s, 2s, and 11s, and 11 isn't even a personal number. In other words, you are either a total pushover or one horny bastard.

- If your personal number is 4
You are starting to get the idea.
You are most compatible with:
A, B and D.
I am perfectly aware that A, B and D are not numbers, but when I was a teenager I had this not-so-bright biology teacher who would always enumerate lists by saying, "Number A", "Number B", etc. This used to just kill me, and after years of looking for a way to work it into one of my articles I decided to stick it in here just for the hell of it, and that means that this is all the description you 4s are going to get about your personal number.

- If your personal number is 5
You like liking the idea of liking life more than you like life itself.
Even more amazingly, you understand that last sentence.
You are most compatible with:
Other 5s.
Actually, only 1 other 5.
Yes, the truth is that you are only really compatible with 1 other person in the whole wide world, and that person happens to live in Greenland and is the same sex as you.
And doesn't bathe and snores.
Hey, tough one.

- If your personal number is Pi
You tend to be irrational. You find it very difficult to reach any kind of conclusion. Still, many people find you fascinating and go to great lengths to get to know you better. But even though they take you out to a lot of places, they never discover all of your hidden depths.
You are most compatible with: the square root of 2.

- If your personal number is 1 divided by 3
You are stuck in a rut. You keep finding yourself in the same situation again and again. No one is willing to take you out more than 2 or 3 times because of your overpowering compulsion to repeat yourself. The only way you can break out of this pattern is to learn to express yourself differently, even though it may make you feel like you are less than a whole being.
You are most compatible with: the Antichrist.

- If your personal number is 6
Your personal number is actually 11.
You are most compatible with:
Really nice, easy-going people who are willing to go to bed with you and/or forward you 5-figure interest-free loans.

- If your personal number is 7
Hey, MY personal number is 7 too. What a coincidence, huh? Hey, can I buy you a drink? What're you having there? Hey, me too! That's my favorite drink! Hey, bartender, 2 [what did you say again? Oh yeah] Seven and Sevens, please. Hey, what another coincidence, huh? Hey, what do you say you, ah, lend me $75,000 interest free? Hey, thanks!
You are most compatible with: me.

- If your personal number is 8
You are resolutely modern, yet you prize traditional values. Fiercely independent and self-assured, you know what you want and you live life to its fullest. You aren't afraid to be who you are and to let the world know it. Through the clothes you buy, the accessories you choose... and the perfume you wear. You wear Timbuk II, the new all-natural unisex fragrance from Timmons and Bucknell Laboratories. $85 the 8oz. extract.
You are most compatible with:
People from other planets.

- If your personal number is 9
You are bored to tears from reading the descriptions of all those other personal numbers. You only want to find out what your number means for you.
You, you, you: that's all you ever think about. Your idea of a good time is to ride a unicycle to the Yucatan and sit under a yew tree wearing a University of Utah marching band uniform and read Ulysses while munching Yoo-Hoos and listening to the ululations of U2 until you have to urinate.
You are most compatible with: Do I need to tell you?

For a personal reading and a complete itemized numerological chart plotting the future of your life in precise hour-to-hour detail from now right up to the day you die, follow this simple 2-step procedure:

1) Send a check for $75,000 to "Numerology" in c/o This Publication.
2) Kill yourself.

All predictions guaranteed 100% accurate in every way or your money back.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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