Written by Jack Steel
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Tags: Babies

Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Hi, I am an obstetrician from the USA.

I went through medical school without seriously questioning anything I was taught. Students who question the system tend to fail.

My job is to deliver babies as clearly women can't do it on their own.

Pregnancy is a 9 month illness and needs to be treated as such.

I test the amniotic fluid to see if the child is Downs syndrome. There is about 4% chance that this will cause a miscarriage which will mean the woman will not have to undergo the terrible ordeal that is birth.

My predecessors used to give a lot of x-rays to pregnant women as recently as the 1970s but eventually realized it was giving kids leukemia.

Back in the 1960s we used to prescribe Thalidomide for morning sickness, but after about a decade eventually worked out it was causing some babies to be born without limbs.

Then there was DES pill that I prescribed that causes cancer in the daughters of pregnant women.

I am very happy the c-section rate is so high and getting higher every day.

It would be best if the c-section was 100%.

C-sections are very lucrative for us obs buts thats not the only reason we like them.

Giving a c-section means that we don't have to make any decisions or have to think. The feeling of power of performing unneeded major surgery on somebody is awesome.

An uncomplicated birth is extremely boring and makes us obs feel about as useful as boobs to a bull.

Its great if women ask for an elective c-section. Perhaps they believe stories like the one that the cord will get wrapped around the kids neck and the the kid will die. That way we can blame the rising c-section rate on women.

When I do a c-section it become "my delivery" and I become the star of the show. After all the baby would have died without me. We have a whole bag on tricks to increase chances of a c-section.

Its best to induce the birth. Its convenient for me and the increases the chances of a c-section.

I like to put all mothers on an IV drip without even asking. This softens them up for all the drugs they will be pressured to receive.

I like to shave the pubic hair as it aids in making the woman feel helpless.

It is best for us that the women gives birth flat on her back. It reduces opening by the pelvis by a massive 30%. This is painful and hopefully will get her asking for a epidural. It also decreases oxygen flow to the baby.
Epidurals are great because they increase the chances of a c-section. Feet in stirrups is a bonus.

I love drugs of any kind as they all increase the chances of a c-section.

I love fetal monitoring because it can always be used to support a claim that a c-section is needed. Baby's heart too fast, too slow, bleeps on the machine misread, anything can be used to claim an emergency.

Also obs never get sued for performing c-sections, even if the baby gets cut.

If its not the first child, I always say "that once a c-section, always a c-section".

If a women successfully has a natural birth after a c-section it looks really bad for the ob. It either means the c-section was unnecessary or the need for it was manufactured.

I never have a conscience about performing a c-section. I'm not really interested in long-term effects or that the abdominal muscles and appearance will never be the same again.

If the c-section leads to post natal depression that can be fixed with a dose of good old shock treatment. I certainly have no interest in any longterm effect on the child.

If I can't declare the need for a c-section in time I generally do an episiotomy just in the off chance the mother will tear and create an injury almost as bad as the epistiotomy.

If I can't do surgery I am always looking for other ways to interfere such as using forceps, cutting the cord straight away etc. etc.

If the baby is a boy, I very much enjoy cutting off his foreskin. I now take it in turns with the paediatrician as we used to fight over who would get the fee.

The USA has the second worst infant mortality rate in the developed world, including being behind countries such as Cuba. I cannot figure this out as the USA must have easily the most expensive medical system. All those all countries must be fudging their statistics.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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