WASHINGTON - President Bush will address the nation tomorrow evening at 8:15pm concerning his bout with depression and consequential treatment.
This comes on the heels of last week's leak of Mr. Bush's medical records, and subsequent furor from the news media and most citizens.
We have obtained the text of the Presidential Address which is as follows:
I was so upset by my pathetic approval rating, I didn't know what I was doing, where I was, or who I was, any longer. I felt encumbered by modular time concepts. I got addicted to watching 'Barney and Friends' and reruns of 'Saved By the Bell.' I was at a loss, and I was scared.
I went to my best friend Dick Cheney, but he just made fun of me. Rummy told me to stop whining, and then he blamed me for 9/11. Laura told me to screw myself, and my daughters ignored me. I had no one.
One night when I was watching 'Gilligan's Island,' Gilligan got hit on the head with a coconut and I thought he was dead. I started crying, soiled my pajamas, and went into a deep depression.
I took to my bed but didn't sleep much; when I did, I had nightmares of the coconut killing Gilligan. Several days later, I woke-up and it was hot in my room. I tried to open the windows but someone had nailed them shut. I tried to sew dust balls into a sweater but I didn't have a needle, nor did I know how to sew. One day, I got so hungry that I ate a bar of soap and washed it down with shampoo.
Then good things began to happen.
One night, just about a week ago, I turned on the TV. Neither 'Barney' nor 'Saved By the Bell' were on, so I started flipping channels. I came to a channel and soiled myself again. There was Gilligan--ALIVE! He was eating a banana when this stupid monkey hits him in the foot and his fillings come out. Then that dumb-ass professor fills Gilligan's teeth with stupid plastic explosives that had floated up on the shore of that rotten island. And then that goddam Skipper a-hole starts yelling at Gilligan again! Dammit! I wish Gilligan would just make a knife out of goddam bamboo or some crap and just kill everyone! Oh, except for Maryanne. Ooo boy, I always liked that one! I wonder why Gilligan and she never got together?"
Thank you, and may God bless America.
Copyright 2007 Aces-high