12 June 2007
The English Golf Union
The National Golf Centre
I have it from excellent sources that the world has now completely lost the plot. My highly conservative Australian neighbour, Ted Old, surmised this sorry state of affairs with some, albeit flimsy, philosophy which was quite difficult to argue against, even though I am a Popper-quoting empiricist.
He said that the tell-tale signs of an the approaching Armageddon is evident when the best rapper in the world is white, the best golfer in the world is black, and the only country not willing to go to war these days is Germany.
But I digress.
Indeed, the true signs of an impeding global implosion is the horrifying news that soon ladies will be allowed to use the same entrances as the gents at the holiest of holy grails: The Golf Club. Furthermore, and this may be complete hearsay, they will be able to frequent the club bars and even order a pint of beer after a not particularly gruelling 9-holes.
When did this happen? Have I just awoken from some sort of winter torpor to find such malevolence happening in an already stricken state? Fathers all over Britain have been refused the rights for custody of their children, men are persecuted daily by lentil-munching feminists for keeping decent jobs and now, the one place a poor fellow who has been cursed with a Y-chromosome can escape to will soon be overrun by club-wielding, lilac jumpsuit-wearing wolverines who wish to prove their equality.
By its very definition, men and woman can never be equal. One man is not equal to another. I am 99.99% similar to my brother, but we are not equal. The mind, Sir, it boggles.
What I need to know is what the EGU is going to do about this sorry state of affairs. If you have no ideas, then I have a few. In the same way that blind golfers can surely play at night, women can play between the hours of 5 and 7 am, and 8 and 10 pm, except on Saturdays, when they can help out in the kitchen. There are plenty more ideas where that has come from.
Please let me know soonest as my annual golf subscription is due in three weeks time. If there is no action taken I fear I will have to quit my membership and take up something more manly like tae-kwon do.
On a men's only course, the greens are always greener.
R S V Peters