Written by K.C. Bell
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Sunday, 17 June 2007

image for Space Station In Jeopardy - Not The Game Show "That doesn't look like champagne."

A computer glitch has placed the International Space Station in jeopardy. Talk is that the multi-billion dollar project may have to be abandoned. Before jumping ship, maybe they should try dialing up Earthlink and experience the anguish of waiting on hold for an hour, finally getting a human being working out of Manila, - speaking with an indistinguishable accent - endure the torture of switching cable lines from modems to computers, open never seen windows, delete a few numbers, add new numbers, close the windows, still not working? Call Apple. Thanks for the migraine, Manila.

Certainly, Bill Gates can clear up any computer problem: his world; his science; his baby. Did the Russians forget to use Microsoft?

Time to send Tom Hanks on a mission to save the International Space Station. Music by John Williams. Tom's crew will include: Brad Pitt, tearful goodbye scene with Angelina Jolie and all the kids before blast off; father Jon Voight crying somewhere; Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker giving credibility with his presence; Sigourney Weaver knows everything about outer space; and Alberto Gonzales for comic relief. Bush can't go: national security; affairs of state; a dental appointment. Cheney took his sixth deferment or maybe it was his seventh or eighth. Print and stamp.

Just about now the International Space Station should receive an email from Earthlink asking about their splendid service. A ten page critical reply starting with, "You blasted morons, we're up here hanging by a thread..." But one never knows. One might have to go through that seventh circle of hell again and need computer support in the future, if there is a future. So criticism, sarcasm, profanity and memories of Dylan Thomas' Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night are set aside and the email is deleted. Another form of deferment. Print and stamp.

So paper jam is fixed, computer is humming like a champ, and it's time to return to earth. No extraterrestrials found on the way back, but Houston there is a problem. Cargo overload. "We'll have to jettison about two hundred pounds to land safely at Edwards. Guys, we're all members of SAG except Alberto."

"Alberto, can you get the bottle of champagne in the airlock?"

Mission accomplished. Exit music by John Williams. Print and stamp.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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