Written by Double Diamond
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Monday, 21 May 2007

As humans, it is our basic biological drive to pro-create and bring children into the world. However, 9 times out of 10 we blunder into this folly without the slightest inkling of the cataclysmic life change that having kids brings about.

Therefore, as an experienced parent, I have compiled a list of my own personal experiences for those that are awaiting the patter of tiny feet.

1 - Birth.

That's right, the day has finally come and baby is finally here. No matter how much you prepare for this day, the reality of it will come crashing in like a herd of stampeding wildebeest. You, yes you, are responsible for this little bundle of fun and the realisation of this will exceed anything you could have imagined. All vestiges of your former life will now evaporate as you enter into a period of no sleep, dirty nappies, and endless chores. You used to find time to do all sorts of things on a whim. Those days are gone.

If you have never witnessed or experienced projectile vomiting in your life up to now, you soon will. Prepare to behold cottage cheese on your clothing.

If you have always wondered what it was like to clean a layer of shit off someone from heel to shoulder blade at 3.00am, wonder no more.

2 - Toddler

You've had it easy up to now. This is where the fun really starts. Up to now, baby has stayed in one place, unable to move. The house that you've spent years doing up, getting it how you like it, is now going to undergo a baptism of fire.

Baby has spent the last few months putting you and its surroundings under surveillance. It has compiled a mental list of your valuable household possessions that you have spent years attaining, and has planned how it is going to "Inspect" them at the earliest opportunity. That time is now at hand, as baby has now begun to crawl.

Your once clean and tidy house will now begin a gradual period of unstoppable deterioration as jam, chocolate, crisps etc are ground into every surface that the little one comes into contact with. Anything that is left at ground level will most likely be ruthlessly destroyed.

As your child begins to mix with other children, you will experience the novelty of having a "Sneak preview" of a forthcoming illness. If your child is stricken with diarrhoea for instance, you can guarantee that two days later, you yourself will be pissing rusty water out of your arse.

During this time, you will also discover to your horror, that disposable nappies are incompatible with diarrhoea. Thus, you will find yourself cleaning yet another substance out of your carpet.

3 - School age

Your child has now reached that time of life where they are going to start school. Once accepted to a school of your choice, you will be directed to a clothing supplier that caters in providing "The school uniform".

Whilst you may assume that kitting a small child out for the dawn of their educational years may be a simple operation, think again. Once you have completed the list of things required, your wallet will be doing some serious twitching.

Upon starting school, you will notice that your child pays no heed to the expense you have incurred in clothing them for the event, and proceed to apply mud, paint, sweets, sand etc, to them. The shoes you just paid a kings ransom for, will be scuffed across the playground to the point of destruction, in just a few short days.

New playmates your child develops, will ultimately be invited back to your house to "Play". I would suggest that before you allow this to happen, you hire a team of burglars into your house to "Do you over". The resultant mess will be akin to that that your child and their friend generate.


Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and would do anything for them. I just think it's only right that I point out just a few of the things I have experienced along the way, up to now.

It seems that as a parent, you are led like a lamb to the slaughter when your first born comes along. At least when you buy a DVD player you get an instruction manual!

Having kids has to be the steepest learning curve you will ever experience!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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