Written by Rick O'Shea
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Saturday, 19 May 2007

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 19.5.07.

Sadly, WORLD OF CHEESE "home to the worlds first roller coaster made entirely from cheese and England's second biggest baby-bel" is no longer trading - may I take this opportunity to thank all of the people who made this dream a reality and to mention some of the others who turned this reality into a NIGHTMARE!

Opening night WAS enjoyed by all of the guests not directly involved in the fatalities and may I extend my sincere condolences to the Gloria Summerbee Music School for the deaf for the senseless tragedy that befell those pupils and staff who PANICKED before the fire was fully extinguished.

All enquiries should be directed towards Mr Hugh Jardon (believed hiding somewhere in southern Ireland) as the legal owner/operator of the "Edam-inator" and to Chief Supt. Toblerone of the North Gloucestershire Constabulary who has been a permanent and vocal critic of all of our work here in the village and himself was the chief reason for my wholly unnecessary purchase of 200 emergency FLANS -although these were some comfort to the injured and bereaved during the incidents now being investigated.

Especially the orange and passion-fruit.

Those of you who purchased season tickets can still use these at Wilkinson's Wonderful World of Owls at Long Framlington and at some smaller branches of Millets.

On a happier note PASTIES FOR AFRICA has been an almost complete success. A huge thank-you to all who participated. Although the Tanzanian Postal Authorities have asked me to ensure that all future deliveries are now wrapped prior to despatch.

I know this is a departure from our original concept - but this does solve most of the problems of ink absorption into the pastry and hopefully should lead to fewer lion related fatalities amongst the area's postal workers.

Closer to home Peter and I have now decided to adopt - after my new womb was rejected, and my long term goal to be the first Muslim woman on Mars will now have to wait until the children are older.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year to all.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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