The spirit of the late Jerry Falwell made a late night visit to this reporter; either that or it was an undigested bit of gruel. Regardless, Jerry needed to pass on to his many followers, members of the current administration (one and the same), and all practicing (and we do mean practicing) bigots some information from beyond the white light.
Jerry described what happened to him after his shuffle off the Ol' mortal coil.
"There I was hanging in space. Surrounded by a magnificent stretch of the universal creation. All alone. Nobody. Nada, Zip! WTFO? I began to cry out, INA THE NAAAAAMEA OF AAA JEAAASASA I AM HERE TOA MEETA MYA GODA!!!
And a voice spoke to me from the firmament! "Will you shut the Fuck Up, we are trying to get some sleep around here!" I was stunned into silence and great tears welled up into my eyes. The voice spoke again. "Oh for My sakes!". A door in space opened in front of me and as I fell to my knees I noticed that the figure standing there in all glory was a stunning looking, well endowed young woman of an uncertain dark skinned race. "What do you want?" she asked. I explained who I was and that I was here to come face to face with my creator and to walk the golden streets of Heaven and sit on the right hand of God in His Heaven. "His Heaven! And just who in the fuck do you think I am?" SHE asked. I knelt in disbelief blubbering. "Wait a minute, you from Earth?" I nodded in the affirmative. "Don't tell me you still wrapped up in that male dominated, cross carrying, misogynistic Old Time Religion crap?" Again I nodded. Turning, SHE looked back into the room behind her and said "Hey girls you ready for this? That bunch from Earth is still wandering loose, keeping that crazy male Roman thing going, and not paying attention to what is really going on." There were many giggles and gales of laughter from inside. "Look" SHE said. "It is not, no way, no how, no shit, anything like you think it is supposed to be. You are on your own here, make your own heaven or hell, fly yourself to the moon, go and play among the stars, I really don't care, WE are too busy here at command central just trying to keep all this hate shit that radiates from Earth from unbalancing all the rest of creation. I am not your Momma! So GO AWAY!" SHE turned and spoke to the inner room. "Gabriela, come take this piece of shit out to the Magellan Cluster, kick him in the ass, and point him somewhere away from here."
One of the most stunning women I had ever seen came through the doorway, picked me up pressing me aganist her perfect breasts. "Wait, what about Jesus?" I panted. SHE stopped. "Jesus? Jesus? Oh yea, you mean that carpenter's kid who was shacked up with my daughter Mary? I couldn't tell you for sure. I do know that after he got up here and was able to watch what was happening on Earth he got so despondent about what a cocked up mess the religious leaders were making of the path he tried to establish that he asked the Buddha if he could live with him over in Alpha Centauri. You might try there. Gabby? Get him out of here."
And so I am leaving, for somewhere I know not where, but please pass this on to my followers. Get your shit together folks, you better really love you neighbors, and put aside you bigotry because God is black, Gay, and SHE is pissed off.