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Tuesday, 8 May 2007

EVER speedy to react to events, Spadge Dooley has compiled this short, and completely sexed-up dossier on so-called Champions League semi-finalists Liverpool and Chelsea.

1 - Spread betting patterns monitored by industry analysts and deamed 'unusual' suggest that Stephen Gerrard is heading for a big payout in the popular 'starting sentences with eeeerrrm' market. Viewers on Tuesday night will have noted that the phrases, "You fucking prick", and "Fucking twat", were directed at an assistant referee with no recourse to the England man's preferred verbal tic.

2 - Arjen Robben is a close friend of Tottenham Hotspur tyro Aaron Lennon, despite the abiding dislike between the two clubs' fans. It isn't speedy wing wizadry that unites the pair though, they met at a London branch of the "I Run Like A Girl" support group.

3 - Like many professional sportsmen Frank Lampard excelled at almost every game he took up as a child. However, the England enigma could also leap tall buildings with one bound, heal the sick and sing songs of such beauty and emotional depth they caused warring factions to instantly throw down their arms. Frank gave it all up to concentrate on his football.

4 - Footballers are often mocked for the banality of their nick-naming protocols, aren't they Giggsy, Scholesy, Wright-Phillipsy? However, Chelsea's gargantua of the goal-line Peter Cech is known to team mates as The Beetle because of his enduring love of the work of fellow Czech Franz Kafka. He keeps a copy of the existential master of futility's Metamorphosis inside his cosy cosy squishy hat while playing.

5 - Jose Morinho is not Portuguese, he was simply washed up on the Iberian Penisular as a baby and adopted. His ability to breathe underwater and sleep with the fishes (but not in bad, ie you're dead, way, or even a bad, ie he has sex with fish, way) makes the lost civilisation of Atlantis his most likely home.

6 - On nick-names again. Doubty Liverpool centre-half Jamie "Carra" Carragher has attempted to trademark his in preparation for his post-football career, running the Carra Van Park at his beloved Prestatyn.

7 - Liverpool are entitled to wear five gold stars on their shirts to celebrate their five European Cup triumphs, the stars are in fact carcasses of the under-threat Australian Golden Tiny Starfish and the World Wildlife Fund is campaigning to end a practice it describes as "Wasteful to the point of obsecenity". However UEFA, backed by Australian politicians claim the stars, which are now Fairtrade approved, provide a valuable income for the similarly threatened diving pygmies of the Australian Gold Coast.

8 - If you divide Chelsea by two and multiply the answer by Brentford you get Fulham!

9 - The long association between Liverpool FC and the Moores family, owners of the Littlewoods empire, has recently come to an end. It nearly ended on a much sourer note in the mid-1970s when the club and all its assets were mistakenly listed for sale in a Littlewoods catalogue, in the garden furniture section. Fortunately, the lady who bought them was persuaded to relinquish her claims to the club in return for 11 red garden gnomes and a bottle of sweet sherry.

10 - Chelsea have proud links with the Royal Hospital, home of the famous Chelsea Pensioners, whose distinctive uniforms are a stirring twinge of red among the blue hordes. But it is a little known fact that anyone arriving at Stamford Bridge bearing the ashes or other remains of any relative killed in the service of this country is entitled to entry to the ground and the pick of the pies counter.

11 - Before You'll Never Walk Alone from the musical Carousel became the anthemn of the reds - after Mersey Beat stars Gerry and the Pacemakers covered it - fans would sing selections of songs from the shows: in the 1960-61 season victories were celebrated on the Kop with a stirring rendition of It's Harry I'm Planning To Marry from Calamity Jane.

12 - Roman Abramovich was only just dissuaded from renaming the club he bought from Ken Bates as Roman's Place - he had dreamed since childhood of keeping a friendly, family-run bar and restaurant with music and dancing on Friday nights and offering the best in Russian cuisine at affordable prices.

13 - Inspired by the positive reaction to his robot dance goal celebration, Peter Crouch has now started to work in the contemporary dance field. His first piece is a solo backed by the music of glitch core kings Autechre and called Internal Insect. It is due to premier at the Moseley Dance Centre in Birmingham this Autumn. Peter has high hopes for his debut, with tickets a bargain £5!

14 - Chelsea famously play just off the fashionable Kings Road in London, but for their first fixture perhaps it should have been the Queens Road - an unprecedented 42% of their starting 11 were openly homosexual at kick off, rising to 74% of the team during an outbreak of what onlookers described as 'handbags at 10 paces' early in the second half.

15 - Craig Bellamy has now officially registered the web domain, www.imthekingofsplott.com, he is believed to walk round his St Mellons home wearing an enourmous crown and a cloak emblazoned with the phrase.

16 - Jan Arne Riise was runner up in last year's Norway's most popular ginger poll. The winner was the country's dynamic young Minister for European Trade Olaf Trond.

17 - Ron 'Chopper' Harris of Chelsea was so insensed at his failure to break into England's 1966 World Cup squad that he embarked on a reign of terror against Sir Alf Ramsey, it began with name calling before culminating in a pre-dawn milk bottle theft. He later apologised.

18 - Everton are known as the Tofee Men because of the practice of throwing sweets into the crowd and their links with Dobsons. In the 1940s - with rationing still biting hard - Liverpool tried to match this generosity and, as a result, were for a short while known as the Turnip Men.

19 - When Chelsea won the title in 1955, the combined value of their squad was less than five olde English pennies.

20 - Frantic media spinning was required in 2006 when Spanish keeper Pepe Reina took the chanting of Manchester United fans too literally. Liverpool FC has still yet to confirm or deny that his hospitalisation in June of that year was due to his attempt to rise to the Red Devils' challenge to "Stick your Champions League up your arse". They have confirmed the replica of the enourmously oversized trophy was temporarily unavailable to customers on the Anfield Experience Tour due to: "Entirely scheduled and not at all surpising cleaning."

21 - Chelsea players, through their links with Roman Abramovich, are now entitled to fielty, vassalage and other near-feaudal dues from over 50 Siberian communities - it is believed that John Terry is the only member of the squad to avail himself of these right thus far - using squads of Inuit peoples as cleaners and riding to home games on human powered sleds.

22 - During an afternoon in 1955 the future of popular music was nearly altered irrevocably when all four future Beatles were granted schoolboy trials for Liverpool. Despite forming an impressive back four unit, Lennon, McCartney, Harrison and Starr were not invited back after several Harrison tackles were deemed dangerous and his back-chat forced the referee to card the 'quiet one'. It is believed this thwarting of their original childhood dreams lies behind Lennon and McCartney's decision to form their first band - it's also why they wouldn't let George write more than one song an album until 1966.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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