It is a simple enough question - why are conservatives so callous and indifferent to the suffering of their fellow humans? They always want to cut taxes, which helps their rich friends and punishes the poor and needy? Now finally, a historian may have uncovered the answer.
Professor Geoff History of the University of Oxford has revealed that conservatives are actually not human at all. They arrived on Earth in the 16th century as reptilian refugees from a planet orbiting the nearby star Alpha Centauri. Their name is still remembered in the slang name of the British conservatives - the Tories, or 'Tauris as it should be spelt.
After a few years, most of the aliens died out, but a few interbred with humans, and spread their foul ideology with them. Their home planet was run by slave-owning despots who worshipped money, and they have always attempted to recreate that on Earth. The enslavement of humanity for profit has been a cornerstone of every conservative manifesto for centuries.
Professor History says that the time has come to eradicate the last remains of alien conservatism. The Professor is actually the inventor of history so he knows what he is talking about. He believes that the aliens should never have been allowed to settle on Earth, and that human history has been irrevocably worsened as a result.
However, there is hope for the future. With 'Tauri aliens so hideous-looking and their policies so clearly unhuman, all it takes for them to collapse is for a competent opposition to use their basic decency and humanity to win over the public.