Written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw
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Saturday, 11 November 2017

image for Creation Scientists Teaching Snakes to Talk Much more sociable than previously thought!

Having definitively proven the scientific accuracy of the first two chapters of Genesis, researchers Christian Fisch and Ina Diaz of Liberty University are well into a research program designed to validate the accuracy of chapter three.

"Even the secular evolutionists know that snakes have vestigial hip bones", declared Dr. Fisch. "This proves that they were capable of walking on two or four legs, like other reptiles, before God cursed them."

"But", interjected Dr. Diaz, "they always make fun of the notion of the snake talking to Eve. Some of them even suggest that there's some Freudian innuendo involved. Come on, people: What's so sexual about the notion of a snake poking his head out from between two limbs in order to talk to a naked woman? Like, hello, have you ever heard of the ink blot test?"

After an awkward silence, Dr. Fisch continued: "While it's true that snakes of today retain neither ears nor vocal cords, we believe that they still have the remnants of a speech center in their brains."

"We tried to perform Pavlov's experiment with them," added Diaz" but ran into difficulties owing to the fact that they only crave food once or twice a month. That's when we decided to connect them to an EEG and monitor their neural response to the spoken word."

Pointing to a computer screen, Dr. Fisch explained: "These traces show the flurry of brain wave activity elicited when we allow them to wrap themselves around our throats, and proceed to talk to them."

"And this particular pattern", he continued as he scrolled down the screen, "appears to be their attempt to respond. Of course, they no longer have the organs that they need to vocalize their response, so we created a speech synthesizer to do it for them. We're at the point of being able to hear their words, but they appear to be in some foreign language. Anyways, I can't figure it out, but have a listen:"

Gathered reporters proceeded to shake their heads and bury their faces in their palms as a complaint of: "OY! OY VEY! FERSHTUNKENE GOYIM!" hissed out of the computer speakers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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