Written by rfreed
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Tags: Microsoft

Thursday, 19 October 2017

Do you remember way back in the foggy mist of Internet time the first and most infamous troll of all, the Paperclip Guy?

He would always be lurking around the corner of any Word document you were typing; just waiting for his chance to add his two bits about what you were writing, like a Stasi spy eager for a promotion within the ranks.

He considered himself the main protector and overseer of our beloved English language and, although eternally polite, would thoroughly infuriate you with his constant infringements upon your space; like a mosquito trying to drink her limit before closing time.

He was always at your disposal like an unwanted valet, ready to serve you endlessly as you diddle away at any sort of manuscript you had the misfortune to put upon the Microsoft template.

What is not well known is how he eventually went over to the Dark Side of the Force.

It got ugly, folks!

He went from being Sebastian Cabot to a Sith Lord in a time short even by Internet standards.

For those who can still remember him on old computers (say around 2004?) here were the tell-tale signs that he was becoming a digital dictator-

He starts reading all that you write.

He stays creepily on the screen even after you turn the computer off.

Everything you write is automatically sent to the FBI.

Instead of pounding on the screen when you want to erase he gives you the finger.

Starts dictating to you what you WILL write.

You find he's read all you emails before you get to them.

He automatically blanks out any naughty words you use.

Does test all new CD's you insert playing them backwards looking for satanic messages.

Acquires baton and bangs you on the fingers whenever you start writing political texts.

Intentionally puts in viruses to jam up any non-Microsoft software you might have installed.

He secretly uses photo-enhancing software to make any photos you email to look like pornography.

He starts growing a toothbrush mustache and giving you the 'Heil Hitler' salute.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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