Written by Backandtotheleft
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Thursday, 5 October 2017

Donald Trump. For legal purposes we have to point out, again, that this man is the current President of the United States. Mr Trump has decreed that 25 of the most endangered species in the world no longer need the USA's conservation efforts.

Below we obtained the list and his reasons why.

1. Pacific Walrus: Quite like seals and we have loads of them. No one would wake up one morning and go "where are all the Pacific Walruses gone"? Even if they did we could just show them a seal and they'd say "Oh that's alright then"

2. Barbour's Map Turtle: I don't trust animals that can read maps. Map reading is a skill that both terrorists and Mexicans use to get into the United States. What if the turtles started helping them? It doesn't bare thinking about

3. Bickells Thrush: Melina had this once and was more irritated than usual when I tried to touch her

4. The Big Blue Springs Cave Crayfish: I was voted in to help America become great again. Great like me. I didn't become great by sitting around in some cave all day waiting for people to hand me money. I went out and took what I wanted. Stay in your cave

5. San Felipe Gambusia: I can't even pronounce this one. Fuck em.

6. Kirtlands Snake: If Kirtland had taken better care of his snake maybe it wouldn't be in this predicament

7. Three species of the Black Backed Woodpeckers: Well I've often heard that these species often take the knee during the national anthem. Not like the white hooded woodpeckers, proper patriotic American woodpeckers

8. The Great Sand Dunes Tiger Beatle: Beetles are like Mexicans they burrow under our homes and attach themselves into our communities. Forming colonies. From here they spread into every aspect of our infrastructure and rot us from within. Less beetles more America.

9. Fourteen species of Nevada Spring Snails: You've already got fourteen. Fourteen! That's like way more than five. So if we lost a few of them who would know? Not me.

Sad.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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