Written by Joyann Bradley
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Friday, 4 May 2007

image for New Custom Telephone Messaging Service From Alec Baldwin

Are you a parent afraid of lashing out at your child? Kids can be so sensitive these days! Calling your eleven year old daughter a little pig can get you in a world of trouble. Not only will your child be upset, but the authorities will have a field day at your expense. Don't be victimized!

Well fear no more! Alec Baldwin has a new telephone message service to aid parents with disciplining their children!

If you are afraid of the backlash of proper parenting, Let Alec do the work for you!

Its not your voice, it wont get traced back to you!

Here is how you can get a custom call. Its easy!

All you have to do is call 1-800-STR8-ASS and you can have a pre-recorded phone call delivered to your kids' cell phone, at a specified time. You will be prompted to say your child's name at the tone. (This will be embedded into the pre-recorded track, to give the message an authentic sound.)

Choose from these options....

Press #1 for "You're a little pig!" (Wet Towels Version)

"YOUR CHILDS'NAME HERE I can't believe you had the AUDACITY to leave your wet towels on the bathroom floor! Just because your mother doesn't care if you are a little pig does'nt mean you can do whatever the hell you want! As long as your living under MY roof...."

Press #2 for "Stop Fighting With Your Brother"

"YOUR CHILDS' NAME HERE I am sick and f@*ing tired of this #@hit! I don't care if you are 5, or 7, or blind! Stop fighting with your brother! Do you want to see what being bullied is like? Just wait until I get home! I am going to straighten your ass out!"

Press #3 for "Leaving Window Open With The AC On"

"YOUR CHILDREN' NAME HERE Do you think I pay electricity to cool off the whole God damned neighborhood?! You are not a human being! You don't deserve to have cool air!"

There are more options but too many to list with full details here. These include:
"You're Just Like You're Mother"
"Stop Crying Or I Will Give You Something To Cry About"

"You call this clean?"
"Because I said so."
"What part of "no" don't you understand?"
"Why do I have to do everything around here?"
"When I was your age..."

There is more to come. Alec plans on custom calls to help parents with potty training toddlers, teens and dating advice, and much more.
All proceeds will go towards helping Alec with his whopping attorney fees.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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