Written by Backandtotheleft
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 7 September 2017

Politics is an ever evolving organism that lives, breaths, pulses and shits. My God does it shit. Occasionally it strains and pushes and forces out a smear so bad that it becomes self-aware and joins the party that shat it out. Out of the anus of the Tory Party has crawled one of these.

In the spirit of maintaining political neutrality Back and to the Left news bagged ourselves an interview with the new falling turd of the Tory party. Jacob Rees-Mogg.

After spending twenty five seconds in his company we decided to refer to him by his school nickname. "Shithead"

So, Shit head, thankyou for agreeing to this interview. It's always nice when a parading beak faced thunder cunt takes time out from roundly whipping his servants to have a chat with us.

He sat there staring at us with his mouth hanging slightly open. More than likely a result of heavy inbreeding producing weak jaw muscles.

Was that a question?

No.

In an interview aren't you meant to ask questions?

Yes.

Are you going to?

Nope.

Why not?

When we ask a question we expect an answer. Do we not?

Yes

That was rhetorical.

No it wasn't

Look. When people ask questions they expect answers because they want them. We couldn't care a less about your opinion hence we won't be asking you any questions. You're a overly despicable man who votes against fitting smoke alarms in your tenants houses because nothing turns you on like the smell of cooking the poor.

I-

You're doing it again. We and just about everyone else in this country have got no interest in you or whatever time period you stepped out from. It's a shame that your mum wasn't feeling tired on the night of your conception or you'd have just been wiped on the sheets.

This is-

Continuing. Unabated. Feel free to leave the room but the doors locked. We hate you Shithead. We hate you and everything you stand for. Most of the country does as well but are too ashamed to put their trust in a man who doesn't believe in the Royal family.

Ah now the Royal Family are a institution-

Yeah well so was small pox and marital rape and we fucked them off soon enough. Speaking of rape Shithead didn't you say abortion should be illegal for women who have become pregnant through rape?

I believe that all pregnancies are a gift from God and as such should be treat that way.

Well we're glad you think so Shithead because we've got a surprise for you.

A secret panel on our wall opens up and out steps a very tall well-muscled gentlemen.

This is our friend…"Billy"…."Billy" has a large amount of sexually transmitted infections from having a lot of unprotected sex. Very silly Billy.

I want to leave.

We want you to leave as well Shithead. Preferably the country strapped to the back of eel. But first we think you and Billy should become better acquainted. You see although we may not have the best reputation within the world of women, one even called us "misogynistic" but I think she was just jealous of our beards. We respect the fact that no means no and that a woman's body is theirs, Shithead, it's theirs to decided what goes in and what comes out. Not yours Shithead. It's not your decision Shithead just because you read the Bible once and would like to send everyone who earns under £30k to the poorhouse. But we believe that people who believe what you believe should have something put into their body that they don't want in there and then they should be denied the opportunity to take something out of their body that they want to remove. That's where Billy comes in. We can't be sure what Billy's going to share with you but let's just say this…..Billy's first choice hasn't always been people Shithead. So you may catch something that originated in goats but has adapted to it's human host.

Please I…

Have a family? Would like to bribe us? Anything you say Shithead is irrelevant. You're a parasite that will leech off the UK until there is nothing left but the husks of those who naively believed in you. Now relax it may be easier. Although we doubt it.

His screams filled our dark tower

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

48 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more