Written by Butch
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Monday, 21 August 2017

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Some people think he is a senseless pirate with nothing on his mind but broads and booty. They say that he never thinks of anyone besides himself and would walk over his mother to obtain a chance of winning a silver dollar. His mother to this day claims he is an orphan even after the DNA test proved she is his biological mother. His teeth are green and full of holes so the grimy lemon pulp and water concoction he drinks leaks right out of his lips down the front of his never-once-washed-used-to-be-white-but-now-is-a-faded-brown-shirt. The very look of the shirt spells and smells of manure. Some say you could grow a nice vegetable patch on his shirt, but no one dares to waste any amount of time it would actually take to grow such a garden. Plus, once the vegetables got one look at his ugly mug they would die on the spot.

No one deserves to look at this vile character. Law enforcement agencies offered him a great amount of money for a snapshot so they could torture prisoners more easily, but no camera could make it through one picture of this guy. Any camera would pray for a lifetime of Bill Paxton shots over one shot with this man because it knows that within milliseconds after the flash goes off it would blow up in instant horrid disgust. Some say acne grows amongst his cheeks and others claim they are scales, but no one really knows because no one has ever gotten close enough to make this distinction. When he docks his ship he proudly walks the Vineyard streets and the people run, hide, and move out of their homes fleeing like refugees to safer havens. Children cry as if they just saw Santa die in their arms. It's detrimental to the island's economy every time he decides to go out in public, and the mayor declares it a state of emergency when he does walk around town. Yup, Capt'n Crunch has really changed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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