Written by Butch
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Monday, 21 August 2017

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January 12, 2016
Dear Santa,

Hey Santa. Ever since I moved out of my parents' house in 1998 I noticed that you stopped coming to my place. I'm a 35 year old man, but this I don't understand! You came every year when I lived with mom and dad, but now that have my own apartment, you don't show. At one point, I almost stopped believing in you! I have been hoping that you are very busy and will get around to it.

Also, if that is the case, I hope that my presents are accruing with interest. I've asked for a Gillette fusion shaving kit, new tires for the Jeep, and for more hair on the top of my head. If I get these three things plus a flat screen television, then I think we can call it even for skipping over me all of these years. If you exist anymore please write back, if you don't then don't bother I guess. I'd even trade in all of the stuff to just hang out for a bit playing pool. My wife won't mind and my kids would think it was pretty cool if dad played 8 ball with you. Oh, and another thing. Why don't you bring presents for my kids either? They've been pretty good. They write their lists and I promise them that you will bring the toys for them and every year they wake up really early Christmas morning to an empty living room filled with no presents. It's sad because I can see the happiness just melt away from their hopeful little faces when they see nothing is there.

I mean, you should see how my wife and kids are starting to resent me because of this. My wife told me to buy their gifts for them (instead of you) and I told her that is ridiculous! I can't lie to my own children. Plus I'm waiting for my gifts as well. You know what I tell them? Get in line! I'm waiting for my stuff too! So, I'm asking you please, can you start bringing presents here so they all will stop hounding me to do the work that you are refusing to do? Have we all been bad? Are we on the naughty list? Because if we are, you should leave coal so at least there is some communication here.

I've had to go see a therapist for 4 months now and even she told me to just "buy the damn presents already" but I bet my kids nagged her to say that to me. I don't know why I am getting all of the blame when the truth of the matter is, it is all your fault. I told my wife we are all going to move back in with my parents so we can get gifts again, but she thought I was "acting like a lunatic" and took the kids to go to their Aunt Sandy's house for a bit. They haven't come back and it has been a few weeks. Since they are gone, if you stop by you only need to bring presents for me now, so that should save you some room. Anyway, I have to get going. My wife called and wants to take me to court. I hope she's talking about the food court at the mall, they have the best Chinese food. Well, talk to ya later.


Most Respectfully,


Derek Gooligan


P.S. - what is a restraining order?

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