Written by Mike Peril
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Tags: Pop tarts

Saturday, 8 July 2017

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To the Editor: I am an adult male in my thirties, ok, forties, in great shape. A family man. Hardworking. Loyal. I don't drink or gamble or smoke. Not even pot. But I have a secret.

I am addicted to Pop-Tarts. Strawberry, never frosted, sometimes chocolate, frosted, and occasionally, around Christmas, frosted brown sugar.

There, I said it, aloud, although anonymously. Can the voices in my head please stop now?

I can't believe it has come to this. Ten years ago I exercised only occasionally and sugar highs gave me the energy I needed to get through a tough workout. I bought my first box a decade ago, memories from childhood and college. All those flavors to choose from.

As my kids got older, I exercised more. How could Pop-Tarts be a bad thing when it was getting me to do a good thing?

Then another development. The high fructose corn syrup from the Pop-Tarts wasn't enough. I craved more. I added a sugar drink. Iced tea mix. Lipton, 4C, doesn't matter, three level tablespoons, that's all.

The addiction caught up to me, I had no idea I couldn't stop. At the gym some guy was talking to me about what he ate ahead of his workout.

"Two devil dogs and a coke," he said.

I gave him my most incredulous look. "Maybe you can try something healthier," I replied.

And then a rush. Pop-Tarts. What if someone finds out? What will people think of me?

I told my mother. That was hard. I may have blamed my wife for buying them. My mom said she didn't raise me to be that kind of son. She was disappointed.

Is there a patch for this? An AA program? Inpatient? Does Obamacare cover it?

No need to answer, I know what I have to do. The guilt alone. I've never liked blueberry. I will switch to those. I know that will work.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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