Written by Gee Pee
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Sunday, 14 May 2017

image for Hollyweird's Hottest: Brooke Shields Brooke Shields, starring as Queen Elizabeth

Brooke Shields was born of Teri (nee Schmon), her husband, Frank, providing the sperm. A "human mutt, and a bitch, at that," as she calls herself, Shields comes of Italian, French, Irish, English, German, Scotch, and Welsh bloodlines. (Her ancestors really got around and, apparently, got along well with virtually everyone.)

She claims her lineage includes various royals and nobles, but neither her ancestry nor her Catholic upbringing stopped her from becoming an actress in American motion pictures or from displaying her "charms" in several films, including the "controversial" Pretty Baby, in which she played a child prostitute.

Shields almost didn't make it into the world. Her father's family bribed her mother to abort her, but Teri took their money and reneged on her promise, giving birth to the unwanted baby Brooke. Although Frank did the "right thing" by Teri, marrying her, he divorced her five months after Brooke' birth. To make ends meet, Teri forced her daughter into show business, peddling her ass when Brooke was just 12 years old.

Hollyweird had to wait, however, while Shields pursued an education at Princeton University. She wrote her senior thesis on sexuality, virginity, and her film Pretty Baby. (She got a lot of mileage from that picture.) Her thesis committee rated it NC-17. The salacious New Yawk Times praised the graduate as an "exemplar of the well-rounded graduate" and exhibited her as proof that one need not take such "frivolous courses" as "classical studies; medieval, modern or American history; mathematics, philosophy, economics, political science, world literature, or science involving a laboratory experience."

Prior to her acting career, Shields was a model, beginning at age 11 months. She posed, often in the nude, for Ivory Soap, a distinction she shared with the adult film "actress" Marilyn Chambers. She also appeared topless in Calvin Klein ads, saying "Nothing cums between me and my Calvins." Her first acting job was as a child prostitute in Pretty Baby. Nude "art" photographs of her appeared in Playbore Press' coffee table book, Sugar and Spice, launching a series of cover girl photos for nudist and "art" magazines, and a nude photo of her was displayed at New Yawk's Jailbait Museum, until it was removed as a result of a public outcry.

Returning to film, Shields bared all in Blue Goon and Endless Luv. She starred as a lesbo in The Misadventures of Margaret and What a Family! NC-17 and X ratings boosted her career, and she won several Golden Globes. Other films in which she starred include Do It Like a Bunny, Alice's Adventures in Brothel Land, Transgender Tess: Half a Man, and Postpartum Depression.

In an interview with Humping magazine, she confessed to losing her virginity at age 22 to actor Dean Kane, whom she "dated" while attending Princeton, as part of the university's community service requirement. A vegan and half-assed animal rights advocate, she was caught wearing a mink coat at the Kopenhagen Fur event, but claimed her indiscretion "didn't count," because the mink was really pubic hair wigs, or merkins, she'd had sewn together and dyed. She is also a spokesman for Tupperware, "because I believe in partying." She was married to tennis has-been Andre Agazzi, before marrying Chris Hunky, by whom she had two daughters.

Her bout with postpartum depression prompted actor Tom Crude to wonder what happened to her career and to denounce her dependence on drugs. (Shields was taking anti-depressants to cope with the loss of her babies, following the successful births of her daughters.) Shields responded, "He should stick to fighting illegal aliens," a reference to Crude's belief in Scientology, "and leave childbirth to women." Crude later apologized for his crude remarks.

Shields was a fan of pop star Wacko Jacko, for whom she agreed to be a "beard" (a straight woman who pretends to date a gay man to suggest that he's hetero rather than homo), but she knew in her heart she could never replace the boys the singer courted at his Never-Never Land estate. "They were so close it was like they were one-sometimes, at least, usually at night, when they slept together."

Shields last appeared on the big screen as a voice in the 2014 animated movie Miss Adventure Planet. In 2017, she starred in her most difficult and challenging role, as herself, in the television special Michael Bolt's Special Valentine's Day Special.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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