Written by Philip J. Moss
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Tags: Health

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Dear Congressman Chaffetz:

I just wanted you to know that the day after you spoke out about health insurance for low income Americans, I cancelled my order for a new iPhone 7. Not only that, but I got together with the other tenants in my apartment building, and persuaded them to cancel their orders for new iPhones. And without any further urging from me, they voted to a man to cancel all outstanding orders for white truffles, filet mignon, perfumes bearing the President's name, Harley Davidson Street Rods™, English Bulldogs, cases of Haut Brion and Chateau Margaux, and Beluga caviar. These austerity measures did not impose a terrible burden on us: it turned out that none of us had ordered such things, anyway. But it made us feel patriotic to vote to continue to do without them.

Back to the phone thingy. My neighbors and I also decided that we should sell our iPhones to raise enough money to buy a good first aid kit, that we all can share. That way, it won't matter so much when you and your colleagues repeal the Affordable Care Act. We ought to be able to at least staunch the bleeding while waiting for the ambulance to takes us to the Emergency Room. We are going to keep one iPhone, belonging to the oldest tenant, Sara. She will allow everyone to use it, and charge a small fee each time, just like people do in other third world countries.

At our next meeting, we are planning to draw lots to see who will sell one of his kidneys. The money will go into a fund to purchase health insurance for Mary, a single working mom with a one-year old baby. We figure that there are enough spare kidneys in our building to last baby Jimmy until he enters high school. After that? We'll think of something.

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