My assignment was to attempt to get an interview with Donald Trump. It was assumed since I'm a relatively unknown journalist with no known affiliations, I might at least get to talk with White House Press Secretary, Sean "Melissa" Spicer.
I was surprised when Mr. Spicer granted an interview.
I was shown into his office and when he asked who I wrote for I made up: "The Alt-Right Journal of Medicine" and said I had a series of PRO-right articles such as "Solving Empathy - What to do when your hatred of others wanes", and "It's MAGIC -10 best ways of making black people and Hispanics disappear, and then not reappear".
All of which I made up on the spot, but Spicer took me for my word. However, just as we were set to begin, apparently someone from the staff had foolishly brought her 4 year old daughter into the white house, and Mr Spicer reacted in great fear and agitation shouting LOOK OUT IT"S A VERY LITTLE GIRL… SHE"ll KILL US ALL" and immediately hid under his desk in obvious distress.
It turns out Mr Spicer is well known for his irrational and paralyzing fear of children from the ages of 2-7, (a serious medical condition known as acute pediophobia), and would not emerge from under his desk..
So, after a few moments, I started wandering around the white house, .. idly wondering why no one has stopped me and where the secret service was.
My answer came when I looked into an office I was passing and saw what appeared to be over 20 dead secret service agents, arranged in a way that suggested a mass murder/ suicide. There was only one agent left alive, obviously distressed as he was shaking and weeping, holding a gun at his side.
After a moment he looked up and noticed me and said "Are you the grim specter of death?"
I replied "No…" , He then said, "Please tell him I'm here…."
Afterwards I idly walked the halls of the most famous residence in the world, and by chance I pass the actual Oval Office.. which, actually seeing it in real life, did give a sense of history and gravitas… until I looked inside.
There, sitting alone at his desk was Our New Leader, (As seen on ABC's popular television show "America's Funniest Presidential Elections")
I introduced myself, gave my fake credentials and Mr. Trump became very gracious and welcoming. I then shrewdly said "Wouldn't it be nice for you to be interviewed in an unbiased way?" He replied, "Yes… I'm so, so tired of the liberal media always televising things I say and do in public.."
Thus, having gave my word, I do want this to be fair and unbiased, so rather than putting my own spin on it (I call my spin, "Norman, The Spin"): Here's a verbatim transcript.
Me: "That is a FANTASTIC tie,..also, many Americans are concerned with so many recent events surrounding your administration. What would you say to lessen their obvious fears and concerns"
DJT: "I'm glad you asked that. People should realize that Arnold Schwarzenegger does NOT get good ratings on the Apprentice. I feel like if only the American people DID know this fact they would change their opinion"….."You really like the tie huh?"
Me: "It's amazing. Also many people are questioning your breaks with tradition as far as ignoring the constitution as an idea, document, principle or fun new dance craze." (See related article: Learn to dance the Constitution, a step by step guide!!) Traditionally our past presidents adhered to the constitution, and you are the first thus far to use the actual original historical document to clean up random spills…."
DJT: But it's SO absorbent!!! I'm saving the tax payers from having to buy paper towels whenever my juice boxes spill… "
Me: "I concede your point but obviously …"
DJT: " Alec Baldwin caused 9/11, but you never hear people talk about that. Or how Hillary Clinton, had President Kennedy assassinated with help from Obama, or how Schwarzenegger's ratings tanked…
Me: "You seem…very interested.. in the apprentice ratings.."
DJT: "I mean they're really bad. So low..His ratings are really really low. I don't know what I would do if I had ratings so low for my White House Show. They're the best ratings ever seen for a TV show. People cannot stop watching my White House Show. But Schwarzenegger's ratings are terrible. Just the worst, really bad, ..just not good ratings. The worst.."
Me: "Maybe we can get into specifics..you recently deregulated the amount of coal allowed in drinking water…"
DJT: "THAT"S exactly what I mean!, How can they know they don't LIKE drinking coal if they've never TRIED drinking coal? It might be delicious… just the best tasting water,.. .the best..really terrific. People might love drinking coal water…but the Liberal media won't report on THAT!!"
Me: "I can see why you're frustrated. Also many American's are scared of Stephen Bannon being appointed as head of the joint chiefs of staff, controlling our military, as well as replacing James "Clap on Clap off" Clapper as head of national security. Do you think their unlike and distrust of Mr. Bannon is due to his glowing red eyes, his severe allergy to holy water, or his early career role as Mia Farrow's baby in Rosemary's Baby?"
DJT: "Stephen Bannon is terrific, just the best.. really great. Having him will be so great you'll be tired of great and wish you had less great. People read those books about him…books like "The Stand", and "Mein Kampf" and then form silly opinions. You know it's offensive to judge a guy just because he wants to set the universe on fire. It's hateful and racist. He's allowed to pray to his dark lord, while standing in a pentagram in an abandoned church just like anyone else. Stephen King keeps writing books about him, because Stephen King is overrated. He can't sell books. Sad"
Me: "So Kellyanne Conway…"
DJT: "She's gone from a soft 7 all the way down to a 4 1/2" Have you seen her lately? Her looks are starting to really degenerate. Sad. So sad."
(He then tweets from his phone) DJT: " I just tweeted Belgium that they should just go "F" themselves. Bannon says random chaos is good and I believe him because I'm very afraid not to."
Me: "Well, I really have to ask, the Muslim ban.."
DJT: See that's exactly what I mean, Mickey Dolenz, (lead singer from the Monkees) makes a Muslim ban, then Hillary enforces it and then Schwarzenegger's ratings tank, and all of the sudden I'm the bad guy. So unfair…"
Just then, a very visibly beaten and bleeding Sean Spicer walked into the oval office, and after first explaining how he was viciously attacked by a group of junior girl scouts, told me that " Mr. Trump needs his rest or he gets very fussy. He's still really upset about his having to be physically restrained by his staff from appearing in blackface makeup for black history month"
DJT: (Shouting as we left) "It was an amazing idea, they should have let me do it!! It was the best idea, really great….so great…just the best idea…"
As I left Mr. Spicer promised me interview access going forward. As we were shaking hands goodbye, an adorable toddler walked up behind Mr. Spicer and started hitting him repeatedly in the head with a baseball bat. I couldn't help but think Mr. Spicer's fear of young children might possibly be justified.
(Diligently Reported by Steven "Our Last, Best Hope" Rouach)