Written by mikewadestr
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Sunday, 12 February 2017

image for About Those Cigarettes In Your Shirt Pocket Hey wait a minute, these cigarettes have filters!

I always liked visiting the Super Bowl Pub in Wheaton, Maryland to check in with my fellow dregs to catch up on the local news, down copious beverages, talk bull and shoot some pool.

Most of all we liked to talk to our good friend and owner, John, who when he saw us playing pool mumbled: "I wish you would play darts and hit someone in the back of the head rather than ruin my good pool tables".

We thought what he said was funny because we never hit anybody in the back of the head while playing darts. Well not normally.

John, also ran the weekly football pool for the Washington Redskins which he was amazingly good at winning. He liked when we contributed to the pool. Actually he would laugh when we put money into the pool gleefully proclaiming: "You'll never win". He apparently always got the best quarter numbers which he would pick by himself at home when no one else was watching.

Something about the whole thing bothered me but I could never put my finger on it.

Another thing about the Super Bowl, it was a place where a lot of cops hung out. Well they didn't actually hang out, they would more or less come in to arrest a few of John's clientele every now and then who had warrants out for their arrests. This really upset John every time they did this because he always saw money walking out the door. John did make sure the patrons paid their check in full before being dragged away which we considered to be down-right nice of him even if they didn't get a chance to finish their drinks.

The pool games we played were pretty long lasting so you could at least say we got our money's worth out of the pool table. None of us had a clue about angles and physics which as far as we knew was probably a new reality show. We would just randomly hit the ball during our favorite game of eight ball. We never took any mind to whether you hit one of your balls in or the other guys because as far as we were concerned they all were the same.

I usually had trouble with the cue stick. It had something to do with positioning because every time I pulled the cue stick back to take a shot I would hit myself in the face. Every time this happened someone would call out: "So that's why your face looks the way it does!"

One Friday night when we were playing, Bob made a suggestion for us all to take a break and go outside to his car and smoke one of those thin filterless cigarettes to which we all readily agreed.

The smoking of the cigarette brought us into a new consciousness which made us more cognizant of our surroundings as well as a whole lot smarter. We all felt like professors and scientists debating subjects such as the meaning of life, life beyond earth, how nice and shiny some car bumper is and the saving graces of shoe laces.

Throughout our enlightenment we endeavored to thoroughly inspect each unique looking car in the parking lot for external beauty which pretty much included all of them. As we walked through the lot we came across a very large police officer inspecting a car rather thoroughly.

"That's a pretty interesting car" said Bob. "It's got some blue tint reflecting off the windshield. It kinda looks like a light saber is poking through the window".

"What theā€¦", the cop started. "Do any of you know who owns this care? It's been parked here all week and I'm ready to have it towed".

"It doesn't belong to anyone I know", answered Eric. "It apparently has been abandoned since the beginning of the week".

"I like the way the hubcaps are all nice and shiny like a silver swallow flying about on a sunny day", interjected Bob. "The front grill, also, looks like the jaws of a mad grizzly bear".

It was at this point the cop started staring at Bob, not just Bob in particular but his shirt pocket. In Bob's shirt pocket were 4 of those thin filterless cigarettes poking out.

"This car needs to be on a stage, in a light show with a rock and roll band. I bet people would pay good money to see it", Bob continued.

"Um Bob!" growled Mark to no avail.

"BOB!" yelled John with no affect what so ever.

"I bet you could use this car to go fishing with, just put it in the water and the shine will attract hundreds of fish", mused Bob.

"BOB!" We all shouted in unison.

This time Bob stopped and looked at us and answered: "What?"

"Your shirt!"

Bob looked down at his shirt directly at the pocket and then looked up at the cop staring right at his pocket and lamented: "Oh".

The police officer shook his head in disbelief and told Bob: "You have two choices. You can throw those "cigarettes" down that storm drain over there or you can give them to me at the police station".

Bob readily agreed to throw them into the storm drain and immediately trotted over. While Bob was performing his toxic waste cleaning, the cop turned to the rest of us and sighed out load: "Your friend certainly isn't any rocket scientist".

We all agreed and when Bob got back headed back into the pub to continue are night of debauchery.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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