Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Tuesday, 24 January 2017

image for Vladimir E Coyote vs The Trump Runner: The ACME Golden Shower

BILLINGSGATE POST: In any story playing off Wile E Coyote and the Road Runner, I have agreed to implement the same rules as those governing encounters between these two characters and apply them to Vladimir E Coyote and the Trump Runner, so help me God.

THE RULES:

RULE 1. THE TRUMP RUNNER CANNOT HARM VLADIMIR COYOTE EXCEPT BY GOING "BEEP-BEEP!"

RULE 2. NO OUTSIDE FORCE CAN HARM VLADIMIR COYOTE - ONLY HIS OWN INEPTITUDE OR THE FAILURE OF ACME PRODUCTS.

RULE 3. VLADIMIR COYOTE COULD STOP ANYTIME - IF HE WERE NOT A FANATIC (REPEAT: "A FANATIC IS ONE WHO REDOUBLES HIS EFFORT WHEN HE HAS FORGOTTEN HIS AIM." - GEORGE SANTAYANA

RULE 4. NO DIALOGUE EVER, EXCEPT "BEEP-BEEP!"

RULE 5. THE TRUMP RUNNER MUST STAY ON THE TRUMP - OTHERWISE, LOGICALLY, HE WOULD NOT BE CALLED TRUMP RUNNER.

RULE 6. ALL ACTION MUST BE CONFINED TO THE NATURAL ENVIRONMENT OF THE TWO CHARACTERS - THE WORLD STAGE.

RULE 7. ALL MATERIALS, TOOLS, WEAPONS, OR MECHANICAL CONVENIENCES MUST BE OBTAINED FROM THE ACME CORPORATION.

RULE 8. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, MAKE GRAVITY VLADIMIR COYOTE'S GREATEST ENEMY.

RULE 9. VLADIMIR COYOTE IS ALWAYS MORE HUMILIATED THAN HARMED BY HIS FAILURES.

.......................

According to a dossier compiled by a former British intelligence agent and leaked by the CIA, the Trump Runner was inadvertently compromised by a couple of out-of-control, two-legged, ACME Golden Shower fixtures at the Moscow Ritz Hotel. Trump Runner was there to judge a Miss Universe pageant in Moscow.

Already impeded by Rule 1, whereby his dialogue is limited to "BEEP BEEP," the Trump Runner was unable to say "No" when asked if he recalled this incident. Like most of the ingenious ideas conjured up by Vladimir E Coyote to ensnare the Trump Runner, this one backfired. Gravity again proved to be Coyote's greatest enemy.

The scene unfolded in Trump Runner's hotel room. Expecting that Vladimir E Coyote would implement his usual plan; trying to lure him to a place where he could utilize gravity by dropping an old fashioned ACME anvil on his head, he was surprised when he answered a knock on his hotel room door to find not one, but two, ACME Golden Shower fixtures delivered to his room.

Asked if they could come in, and being careful not to violate RULE 4, he responded BEEP BEEP! What else could he say?

[HOLY SHIT!] he thought. [What the f..k is going on?]

Note: Thinking is not prohibited by the RULES; only dialogue. Also, none of the rules specifically prohibit ACME devices from speaking.

Back to the story: As related by the former British intelligence agent, the bed in the Trump Runner's suite was once used by President Obama and his wife. Knowing this, but unable to contain their excitement, both of the ACME Golden Shower fixtures responded to the law of gravity and defiled the bed, unaware that Vladimir E Coyote was underneath the covers snickering.

Foiled once more by faulty ACME products, the humiliated Coyote could only say BEEP BEEP!

NOTE: This story is not "fake news." Both CNN and BuzzFeed contributed to this spoof. However, the BILLINGSGATE POST cannot verify their sources and disclaims any responsibility for fanning the flames by publishing it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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